The calendar keeps moving forward and I see the pages turn. I actually stopped making those tick marks across each day as if somehow that would slow it all down. Like a whirlwind time is flashing fast forward.. and I'm ready and then not. Today I ordered meds for a fresh IVF cycle.. we are planning on doing one soon. If my body holds up.....I don't know all the details this time. I really don't want to know so much... just let it be. I am trying not to calculate forward to baby already but..... forward seems to be the direction I am in and facing this way does create deep hope again for life. I just dipped my toe into the water and it feels like I want to jump in. So I'm going to keep on keeping on and forward I will go.
Joseph can you hear mommy? Can you feel me moving forward with you baby? Can you see that my heart is open and my eyes are bright once more. Smiling at you and loving you forever.. mom.