Saturday, April 3, 2010

Roller coaster

I am on an emotional journey unlike anything I've ever experienced. the spectrum of my elation and sorrow is wide swung. So big that I may cry while laughing... Not one thing has been easy. Not one thing. I am not complaining about it because there is nothing I can do.. I'm not in the way.. I'm not asking why me... It just is. It just is hard. Yesterday I started bleeding. It was right before acupuncture and right after.. This has never happened before. It continued last night... but not this morning? Already fragile in my rainbow fight... I just don't know what to make of this. I don't understand. What happened? Am I still pregnant. I know some people have blood but... to me it is never a good sign. This did not happen to me with Joseph so I don't have anything to compare it too. I'm scared. nervous.. full of sorrow.. Still hopeful.. Again the giant roller coaster hill I'm climbing with this little one has not reached the top. I can hear the wheels clicking.... up but I don't know what will happen when we get there. It is not the most difficult thing I have ever done... wait. But wait while you know that the potential is so grand for this not to work.. wait until I have a definitive answer. Wait for more bleeding Or just pretend that didn't happen? Just so unsure. I am just on such a journey.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my big boy. I miss you so much each day. I wish you were here with me... I know you are comforted in heaven... mommy.


lis said...

ugh brandy that is the very last thing you need sweetie. im sure it's nothing even though it feels like a big something :(
IVF pregs tend to bleed more, i hope that gives you a little bit of comfort and im praying and hoping for your little sticky rainbow baby <3

lis said...

i also just noticed that T and Joseph have the same birthday

Elizabeth said...

It is a huge roller coaster full of all emotions being pregnant after a loss. I would see your doctor just to be on the safe side. I have heard it can be normal but I, too, have never experienced bleeding while pregnant and concider it something to be concerned about. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue this difficult but rewarding journey. *hugs*