Friday, February 26, 2010

Throat

Just when you think you are coming around a big turn. Feeling good.... or better anyway my Throat closes up and I can't talk... I can't eat.. I can't think. I miss my son. As much as I catch my breath and try to swallow hard it just won't go down. There is a giant bubble of grief stuck inside. Yesterdays acupuncture gave much needed rest to my mind and body allowing me to turn the attention to the potential for new life once again. I'm trying to focus on bringing the joy into my life so that a wee one would want to join in on the fun. My experience in the rainbow baby goal... HARD. Harder when you stuff yourself with injections of lord knows what to make your body acceptable to host life but... Stranger is the mind to have sorrow and hope. Real hope and real sorrow mixed into one big lumpy ball catching in the back of my neck. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I wonder if a stranger could tell if they where to look in... just for a moment. Would they see me and say. Ah.. yes that poor woman has a lump in her throat because her son died and yet a gleam in her eye for new baby life. It is written all over my face.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I love you my son. Dancing in your PJ's in heaven. I miss you my baby... always in my heart... mom.

2 comments:

Kerry Ann said...

I know that lump! Sometimes it does come out. Sometimes as tears, sometimes as laughter, and sometimes as that wierd thing of both tears and laughter. Yes, I know that lump.

margaret said...

That lump used to choke me in the early days. I couldn't say my son's name without it swelling my throat closed and bringing on the tears. I still get it from time to time, in my quiet moments when I think of my son and how much I am missing with him. Sending you hugs