Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I fill the needles with air.... push them into the vial... release and then pull back in the stuff that will lead to life. Before the stick I deflate the air out of my lungs I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Mommy, Sister, Daughter, Friend. I am so hopeful. Is it too much to ask? When I press on the back of the syringe and release the potential it is giving that is when I fall silent. This is the press. This is the push to move forward. Joseph in my heart so deep I question my ability to juggle it all. Scatterbrained movements, reactions, numbing reality. Can my body do this. How is it that I have this much capacity. One to Press onward even now when I Know what can happen. Are our minds so amazing they can trick even ourselves into believing that anything is possible... In some strange way I guess this is what a mother to a living child would feel if they were about to give birth to a second. Can you love enough.. Can you hope enough.. Yes, I know that answer but with each press I just question. With odds being not and then in my favor will it work the first time again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you babe... I love you my son. I am holding you in the light and catch you in the suns rays each day. Thank you for my hugs. Mommy

1 comment:

Huntress said...

I'm on my way today, Sweet Pea, to Phoenix. I desperately need the warmth...not just the sweetness of the temps as we are so weary now of the cold, the frozen and the thaw when it comes leaving unbelievable goo that'll pull your boots off. No...I need the warmth of you and Paul and Jill and Greg...my family that lives in Mesa. I need to be physically part of this next chapter of the journey that you and Paul have embarked on...I need to part of the loving web that is woven all through my bones with you...and my grandchild to be. Sending love in all its forms to you and Paul...I'll call you when we're settled in. We're at the Villas of Cave Creek....I love you big.