I fill the needles with air.... push them into the vial... release and then pull back in the stuff that will lead to life. Before the stick I deflate the air out of my lungs I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Mommy, Sister, Daughter, Friend. I am so hopeful. Is it too much to ask? When I press on the back of the syringe and release the potential it is giving that is when I fall silent. This is the press. This is the push to move forward. Joseph in my heart so deep I question my ability to juggle it all. Scatterbrained movements, reactions, numbing reality. Can my body do this. How is it that I have this much capacity. One to Press onward even now when I Know what can happen. Are our minds so amazing they can trick even ourselves into believing that anything is possible... In some strange way I guess this is what a mother to a living child would feel if they were about to give birth to a second. Can you love enough.. Can you hope enough.. Yes, I know that answer but with each press I just question. With odds being not and then in my favor will it work the first time again.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you babe... I love you my son. I am holding you in the light and catch you in the suns rays each day. Thank you for my hugs. Mommy