It has just been hard this past few days and weeks. The uncertainty of it all. The waiting... the wondering... the knowing and I still have to go to work. Infant death stares me in the face each day as I walk past the nursery to the office to write. New hope pinches me in the stomach each night when I give myself injections for IVF. All the while my hormones are on fire within me screaming at every turn.... stop and enough already. My body is just like a bouncing ping pong ball. Back and forth I go between the light and the dark. Hope for new life drives me forward. Hurting for Joseph keeps me grounded. Not to mention that in just a few short days I'm turning 35. Not that the age is such a big deal to me but in fertility land it is. 35 is some sort of magical number where the doctors just look at you like. You are 35 and you don't have a child yet. I'm sorry but this is going to be difficult. They don't really tell you that it is just the look on the face of everyone. In everywhere I read 35 is the beginning of the end for you. Yes I know women today are having children into their 40's but... it is just hard. Turning another year older and starting over. Loss, IVF, Work... babies, new life... hope. I struggle with all this emotion. I am not even close to giving up on the fight.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you and miss you my baby. You are amazing. Your love shines in my heart. The greatest reminder of what I'm doing. All of my love forever your mommy.