I don't feel very brave. Yet, every day I have to do things that are brave... well at least to me. As the calendar turns yet another page and we are further from Josephs birth and passing I feel less brave every day. Sure I am gaining confidence and strength but those words are different from Brave... When I turn on the nursery light I have to hold my breath because each day it gets harder to flick that switch and see the empty crib. It is time to take the crib down and put it away. We have to be fair for new baby life if we are so fortunate to be able to. This weekend we need to take it down...Brave... To face each day knowing that there is a possibility that I'm going to be asked all the familiar hurtful questions. Brave to answer them honestly knowing that you are going to make that person feel bad.... Brave to do it anyway. Regular stress is ten fold when you are grieving and you put on your brave face...square your shoulders and walk right out into the day. Brave to smile and mean it. Brave to question others in their decisions when I feel I am right. Seemingly silly things like calling for my infertility medicine.... I have to be brave to ask for what I want almost like I don't deserve it anymore... To try again to in IVF.. brave.. to stand at a cemetery in the night because the day got away from you and you are still missing your son. To let the tears fall down your face anywhere and at any time because you are still so hurt. Brave... every day and every breath. In letting go... Brave.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you and I miss you sweet baby boy. My Joe Jean, my son. Today I will put on my brave... and face the world. You are what brave is my son. I love you until forever.. mommy.