I had a bad case of the what ifs yesterday. The worst kind... the what if I can't move forward kind. The what if I'm not capable kind. I don't like those. When they sneak in I just loose all sense of self joy. That is not who I am. I talk to those that love me looking for support and then feel so desperate. So insecure... Self assurance not available any more. That used to be my bull headed strong suit. When the self doubt creeps in I now turn to Joseph. I did do it... he was born... he did live for 37 hours. That makes me feel a little less scared. And the train rolls out of the station one more time. My beautiful son on my shoulder cheering me on. In the dark of sleep I dream a lot. Last night of 2 boys. I couldn't tell if they were twins or brothers. Either way they were my children. They were happy... holding hands and together. I captured an image in my mind before coming out of the dream. It was an eye... a baby's eye sound asleep. It was closed with the dark long lashes gleaming. Somehow smiling even in the sleep. This spirit connection gaining momentum at every stop.
Joseph can you hear mommy? You are my forever love.... mom.