Saturday, January 16, 2010

How I...

Yesterday was pretty tough day. It was not as bad as the anniversary date in December but,I was emotionally drained and working on adrenaline alone. It amazes me how tired you get from crying... or really trying not to cry is what makes you tired so you just have to let the tears roll. I went to acupuncture after work and she let me stay an extra 30 min. I actually fell asleep. It was amazing. I feel like I'm making a breakthrough when I am there.. into the grief so deep. I am managing to chip away at some of the dark patches and the big spots are moving again toward light. I can smile when I am there and really feel warm and tender. The table she uses is a padded massage table. It is heated and she has it hooked up to sound waves. Every gong of the music reverberates back into your skin allowing those little tiny lovely needles magic to work a little deeper. I absolutely love what this does for me. So ,feeling open, vulnerable and in a dream like state of mind...... Joseph came to me. I cried. He was trying to tell me something and I felt the ring I bought for him tighten around my finger. The ring he helped me find at the festival. I knew it was special then, but I didn't realise how special until last night. You see the ring is not a circle or a complete loop. It wraps around my finger and doesn't close at the top. You can make it tighter or looser by opening the small gap in between the metal and the mother of pearl part. The ring felt tighter and that is when it hit me. THIS IS HOW JOSEPH HOLDS MY HAND! Just like he would if he were here with me..... the ring represents his tiny hand and how small it is and how he would reach for my first finger the same place the ring resides... and squeeze. So now I know when I want to hold my sons hand all I have to do is put the ring on. My thumb touches the inscription of his name. That is how I squeeze him back.. to let him know I understand.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you like the little stuffed dog I left for you.. his name is Bo. Bo and Joe, a baby and his dog. I have your gift you gave me and I will treasure this always. Love, Mommy.

2 comments:

Huntress said...

BJ dearest one...grief is such a strange visitor, taking up a quiet residence in our hearts. It is a living essence and so strangely it is the very thing that makes us "re-member"...it puts us back together but only if we make the relationship with it. I'm so grateful for your doc and his wonderful collaborator in your accupuncturist.
I feel the heart pain of my own as the months pass by after Joseph's coming and then going...slipping away from us. These days mark the increasing distance from his being here...but they also move you and Paul into deeper commitment and fiercer determination to hold him in your lives and hearts as your first chld as you begin the preparations to bring your second into the world...who will be Joseph's brother or sister.
Yes. I'm noticing this morning how different grief tears are. They slide down the cheeks like liquid silk...like messengers from the heart. I'm welcoming them...they soften me...keep me open in the ways I want to be to all that life is...and they remind me of how grateful I am that you, Paul and Joseph are in my life...that you are my family and I am yours....

Elizabeth said...

How special to feel your angel with you. I'm glad acupuncture works to help you release your emotions. *hugs*