I am learning to breathe again. Each time the sorrow from Josephs death creeps in I try to just breathe. I have the tools to resolve the waves of sadness that sneak in. We put just a few more things away yesterday... his box was one. It no longer resides in the glider chair propped up in the nursery. It is in the closet. We still have his stuffed dog for protection on top of it. We put the Christmas stuff away too. Even the things placed at the big boy spot decorated for the holiday. I was surprised at how I was OK with all of this. It is time to move forward yet another step. Not too far but another foot forward and a big exhale. It was a very cleansing day. With each deep breath I take my mind heals a little bit more... then my heart follows. I'm not going to pretend that everything will be easy to do but the biggest step taken so far by us... and I am OK. I am calm and relieved. Josephs big gifts he gave are starting to surface. He is bigger than a box of things left behind.. bigger than 37 hours of life. Bigger than Paul and I can contain. With every big breath I will be watching this new year unfold with my son on my mind and in my heart and happy.
Joseph can you hear mommy? You are powerful and beautiful and wise for such a tiny one. I love you so much and I miss you. I am sending you huge hugs and a thousand kisses. Mommy.