Thursday, December 30, 2010

Car Tears

Some days you just have tears... today mine were in the car when I saw snow in AZ fall onto the high desert mountains. When I thought of how long ago I held my son in my arms and gently said goodbye. When I drove remembering each trip with him in that same car as I sang to him each day. For the what should be but is not. And then I smiled at my belly as I was given a nudge... as if to say We hear you momma... both of us. Reflecting turned to the complicated pregnancy I'm having and still fighting each day to relax and believe that this is right and just as is should be. Tears came again just in a brief period of quite time. Two slow steams at how wonderful my life is... all of it. the good, the bad, the hard, the fun, the up and down.. the wondering and waiting for more of it to unfold. Missing my little man today... As the Car tears roll on.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you did today as you blanketed the soft earth with your kisses.. So beautiful you are and so very missed and loved. mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay.. we need 12 weeks to grow and grow.. I will see you tomorrow and ask that you pass the tests... I'll help you love mom.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Adventure in OB triage

Everything is fine... started having sharp pain in my low abdomen earlier this week. I thought it was dehydration or something.... Then it progressed into I can't lay on my side... where I'm supposed to be laying. Pain while standing after long periods of sitting.. Pain while laying after long periods of standing... Off to the Triage. It was nice to know we could actually just go there rather than have to wait for the Dr to open tomorrow. Comforting that I knew little Jon was ok it was momma I was worried about. Turned out that I have my placenta may be growing into the scar tissue of my previous c-section. Not usually associated with pain but.. that is what hurts. And while monitoring me I was having some pretty good contractions. Outcome... Motrin 600mg every 6 hours to calm the uterus down and take the pains away. I thought you couldn't take Motrin while pregnant but they said it is ok but sometimes diminishes the fluid (and Little Jon needs a lot of fluid with is kidney issues) UGG. Agreed to take 400mg of Motrin but will only take as needed. I have to go back to the hospital on Friday for a Non stress test and fluid check again. Never a dull moment... Happy that all in all everything is fine and I got to meet an on call Dr at the hospital I'll be delivering at who deals with High risk patients... He could not believe that I had not been in to see anyone yet and meet all high Risk docs at the hospital so I'll be making an apt for that very shortly! Also good news was my regular Dr. was on call and got to understand a little more of what was going on with me. Whew.

Joseph are you listening? Keep a close eye out and let me know if anything isn't right again... I'll be sure to take your hints no matter what. I love you bigger than Heaven.

Little Jon are you listening? It was so sweet to see your face today and comforting to feel all those movements... now you are head down I know what all those thumps are. Be gentle with your mommy... I love you little one with all my heart. mommy

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Viability feels good

Just saying.... 24 weeks does not mean anything to those who have not been or don't know and live a carefree pregnancy... To me today is the first day of really being pregnant. Viability... Viability... Can't stop us now.

Joesph can you hear mommy? I saw you peek in the window of the clouds just like you look in the window to look after your brother... you are so sweet and amazing.

Little Jon are you listening? I love you little one... wiggle more and more each day and grow super big and strong - Can't wait to see you in a few weeks. Love mommy

Friday, December 17, 2010

Momma Clause


In 5 days I will be 24 weeks. A week after that I'll have my next ultrasound to check on little Jon's kidney issues and have my glucose test. This is the first time I've thought ahead without the crippling fear that usually stops me and makes me think of just today. He has regularly started moving now and has wiggled right into my life. I am measuring fine (although by the looks of this picture I think he is huge) I've added a few pounds of goodness around my backside too. I feel warm and motherly, proud and happy. I am almost ready to start working on the nursery again. This is the first Christmas I've ever spent pregnant and I guess I feel a bit like momma clause. Viability is a blink away that is my Christmas wish.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I woke to sounds of your tiny kisses outside as it rained in the early dawn... I wept with love and thanks for you and your gifts.. love mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Yes we can have cookies for breakfast... and hot chocolate... I love you so much little guy.. grow grow grow so big... love mommy

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Holiday at the big boy place

Paul and I decorated Josephs "big boy place" last weekend. We put his favorite match box car... a Christmas jingle bell and a glass Santa doll. We also adorned the flower holder with Red garland and lots of flowers of pine and holly. Every time I go.. I still cry as I touch his tiny footprint... bronzed in time and perfect. I touch his toes and kiss his little foot and I feel him. Joseph is deep in my heart and I feel him beating there with me, more when it is quiet and I am spending time with just him... as it was the day of decoration. There are days, like today, when I reflect on this past year and the nine months I carried him with me inside. Somehow he feels nearer to me...watching me. As my parenting of a son in heaven unfolds I have found a place I can't describe.. I am proud somehow and humbled always that this little guy chose me to be his mom. The honor I feel in knowing that the care I have taken with his memory and spirit has touched a core. I see a gentler world.. almost another side of the one I knew... It is a beautiful place. I am at peace.

Joseph can you hear mommy? If felt you rock with me while holding your brother inside.. It was surreal and wonderful. you take good care of him.. love mommy

Little Jon are you listening? Grow baby grow and stay with us forever. Let me feel you wiggle each day... I love you mom.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Right between us



Our stockings are hung by the chimney with care... Last year we bought Joseph his own stocking and took it with us out of town. Too soon to stay here with all the holiday happenings. It was a nice way to celebrate even if it was without him. We put tiny treasures in the stocking to remind us of what we were thinking this time last year including the cards to him. So this year when we put up our stocking it was already filled with memories of Joseph Henry. I really like to look inside and pull out each decoration, something for his big boy place, and ornament. It felt like they were his things and his little life although not here was being celebrated and remembered. The tradition will happen every year and we will add to the collection of little treasures and cars. I love my son and miss him so much. The sting comes back just a little with all the flood of holiday cheer. I wish he was getting messy in the kitchen with me while baking.. I wish he could play with the things we bought just for him. For now.. I will be happy in knowing that he has his own stocking... hung by the chimney with care.. and nestled in between mom and dad forever.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you little guy. I miss you more.. I just miss you more. Love, mommy.

Little Jon are you listening? Keep growing baby. You are doing so good - keep in there as we will gladly wait for your arrival. Not too soon please. Love mom.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Finally

I have nothing to report. This is the first time in 21 weeks that I happily have not one thing to say.. except I AM GRATEFUL... and Yeah hoo for boring. Turns out that keeping my mind busy is exactly what I needed to pull myself out of the tailspin I was in for the past few months. Not to mention that I can feel this little guy move just a little more each day. I know that things are getting better and the rest and work I have done to keep going and positive has helped. Just goes to show you that positive thinking really works.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you little guy. I miss you more it seems these days. I still see you when I blink. Love forever, mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Kick and Kick and grow and stretch. I love to feel you now and we are getting better and better together each day. As my bond with you so close so sweet now. Love mommy

Friday, November 26, 2010

Belly Shot



OK I know for some of you this will be hard because.. You are still trying for that rainbow. I know I've been there. I am, just so you know, hoping for you each and every day.. I feel the power of positive thinking so I know I can use mine to help you too. Here I am on Turkey day. 20 weeks exactly. Just over 1/2 way because we will deliver him 4 weeks early. I was not much bigger than this when I delivered Joseph. They say the second one just pops out... They are right. Yikes. I've gained the right amount of weight so not too much although craving McDonald's has not helped this giant stomach. Not being able to work out has been the biggest challenge for me. Exercise is my release.. my way to get grief out and to move my body and kick in those endorphins. I have not been able to move one step this whole time. I am NOT complaining because it is something I can not change but... I had to change everything I did/do in order to set my mind right. Still hoping for this rainbow. Feeling good these days. Glad for the relief.

Joseph can you hear mommy? We hung your stocking already and it looks beautiful cuddled between mine and your dads. I love you precious son.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay and keep growing away.. get bigger so those kidney's heal. We love you so much.. mommy

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving

I am so thankful for everything in my life... Even the stuff I wish I still had. Joseph was a gift and I know he is in heaven and not with me but he is still my son... I am thankful he chose me to be his mom. I have another son on the way who is growing bigger everyday. I have a good job.. a nice home... a chance to give back to those in need. Friends that touch my heart everyday and family that may not know what to say or do for me... but love me just the same.

Then there is this man... the one who listens... cares.. understands... stands silently beside me.. reasons... loves... hopes... dreams big with me. In one year we have become so close... so open to each others feelings.. We have always been in love but there is another level of it now. We could walk through fire and not be burned.. I am blessed.


Joseph can you hear mommy? You are a beautiful gift. I love you in a place of my heart only for you. Mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Peaceful baby rainbow... You are coming into a family filled with hope and joy and love for you... mommy

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Healer inside me

There is a way to channel your "inner" chi. your peace. your happy place of being. Centering yourself.. grounding yourself... learning to listen to your inside and really paying attention to the needs and wants of your body. I met a beautiful healer. She helps in all sorts of ways but mostly... mostly... she helps you heal yourself. It is here that I met my guardian of sickness.. St. Michael.


St. Michael, the Archangel means I have double protection. - The name Michael signifies "Who is like to God?" and was the war cry of the good angels in the battle fought in heaven against Satan and his followers. Holy Scripture describes St. Michael as "one of the chief princes," and leader of the forces of heaven in their triumph over the powers of hell. He has been especially honored and invoked as patron and protector by the Church from the time of the Apostles. Although he is always called "the Archangel," the Greek Fathers and many others place him over all the angels - as Prince of the Seraphim. St. Michael is the patron of grocers, mariners, paratroopers, police and sickness.

He is watching over me and Little Jon... Teaching him There is a new generation of psychic and sensitive children who are just beginning to come to earth. They are called, The Rainbow Children.

I allow my heart and soul to pour... exposing the deepest within me.. I am raw and open to the universe and to God and I see.. I see the power and the help and the spirit of love.. joy.. hope.. prayer.. perfect in every way. I feel healed and I feel whole. I feel valued and accepted and gifted this child.. a rainbow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can becuase I feel you and your sweet breath against my cheek as I sleep. I love you little baby... I love you. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Hear the calls and follow the protector.... our lives are one and now you see too the power of our love for you. Mommy.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Half way

I'm halfway there baking a rainbow. Seems like the longest weeks of my life given all we've gotten... Then I take a step back and say in the same breath that this year went by so fast that I hardly know what happened. That is my parallel reality. Time speeds past with Joseph in heaven and creeps so so with Jonathan inside. We went to our follow up visit. We got some good news.. My bleeding has stopped (after 8 full weeks) and it appears that the sub chorionic is now about 1cm. So small that now I think it will completely dissolve... My placenta Previa is now considered Low lying... much better. Jonathan is WAY up high in my belly (avoiding my placenta happily). Little Jon kidney did not get worse... so THAT is a relief. I am pushing all my powers of energy to him (another post I'll tell you how) He is growing on track and in fact is 3 days ahead. He moves a lot and has a beautiful heart and brain along with 10 fingers and 10 toes. So I am choosing to only see the good... I'm not going to allow attention to Kidney issues bringing me down... Don't let those dark thoughts creep or they will consume. I finally posted on Facebook that I was pregnant. We decided to post on Joesph's page telling him he was going to be a big brother... I love that.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are such a good big brother.. looking in the window checking on him... showing him the way and holding his hand. You amaze me.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay.. grow grow grow away and we can do this together me and you.. mommy

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What We Do

What we do is pick ourselves up. What we do is help each other cope. What we do is against all odds to continue... to smile.. to love.. to open our hearts.. to live and to be alive in our life and time. The power to think positive wins. In each dark day there is light. In every hour of need there is prayer. I don't know where this resilience comes from. How deep in my heart I still believe. No wind can blow me over... I just won't budge. I got good results from my new Downs test yesterday. Little Jonathan Cooper only has a 1/3668 chance. Those are better odds than I was first given so I feel wonderful. Yes he still has issues and yes we will watch him closely.. One day at a time. One moment to live... One hope to bring. Shine all my light on him today. At least we know when the sun sets... it will rise again tomorrow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful my son... I love you


Little Jon at you listening? As I wait for your sun to rise. You bring me joy each day. Gain strength in our prayers. I love you... mommy

Monday, November 8, 2010

Doppler

So in order to squelch the total panic and worry in my mind we have a home Doppler. It is the exact model that my OB uses and let me tell you THIS is a gem. Given all the issues and craziness that are layered into my pregnancy I felt this was the best thing I could do for piece of mind. Most people just worry about their baby when pregnant. A lot of you know what I mean when I say worry is an understatement lost... is more like it.... I had to worry about my son in heaven... then going through and paying for (all out of pocket) one round of FET and then a full on cycle of IVF in order to get pregnant again...I am lucky so not complaining about that just more worry that is all.........Then I get To worry more because of complications that arise just from those things.. Now add unrelated issues of sub chorionic bleeding.. placenta previa.. and little Jon's kidney issues it is no wonder I don't just sit on the steps of the hospital begging the maternity triage to take me early! I have to wait until I am 22 weeks (18 now) until the hospital will see me directly. In the mean time I have my High Risk Facility and Ob office on speed dial. Gladly for the sake of all others this Doppler has stopped some of the madness. Whenever I'm feeling worry/ wonder and panic due to (see any above reason) I just sit back and listen to the swift sound of the swhoop whoop of little Jon's heart and all is right with the world. I wait for my newest downs test blood work to come in this week and then pray so hard that little Jon's kidneys are improving for our next ultrasound scheduled on the 18th... Did I tell you all to top this all off I was promoted at work? I know.... boy let me tell you I KNOW...

Joseph can you hear mommy? We visited you yesterday your dad and I and all the things at your big boy place are so pretty. I love you my son and miss you daily - mom

Little Jon are you listening? Grow those kidney's... pee for me.... and unblock that silly problem - you can do it little one.. I believe in you and us... Love is not a big enough word - mommy

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Kidney Issues

Another complication.. has happened... Common in boys... but not helping my worry and level of anxiety at all... Little Jon has Hydronephrosis. Basically his kidney are swollen and have too much fluid in them. Lots of terrible terms were tossed around today during the ultrasound and it was just plain not fun. So of course with this news they also increase the chances for downs and other issues. My head is spinning. I feel like I just can't get away from my own self. Terrifying thoughts in my mind that just won't shut up...

I fight these thoughts and when I calm enough from the freak out here is what I know.

1 - very common in boys and sometimes resolves itself before birth
2 - some forms can be treated with surgery while the baby is still inside me! (Dr did not think this was my case but was not ruling it out either)
3 - Some babies have this at birth and it can be fixed with a stint (to unblock)
or some other very small procedures...
4 - some babies have major surgery after birth reconstructing the Kidney and bladder.

We were told today that his issue is a "little more prominent" than most cases and it is likely that something will need to be done right after birth. We are going to be refereed to a Peri urologist after our next ultrasound...

Oh SHIT. That is all I can think of right now. OH SHIT and WHAT IF. And now I wait for 2 more weeks before we can re-assess this issue.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Please watch out for your little brother.. help him.. if you can. you are powerful and I love you so much that I know that this is something you can do. My heart to you mommy

Little Jon are you listening? Pee... that is what I need you to do - release those kidney and grow bigger so that the blockage can have room to move out. You can do it little one.. I believe in you. I love you so.. Stay baby Stay... Mom

Monday, November 1, 2010

Bed Rest Buddy


Give him an inch... he takes a mile. Love this dog. He has been my source of comfort and help. I'm not on real bed rest... just modified to lay down most of the time I'm home. PJ the smallest 90 pound dog you will ever meet thinks mom staying home is the best thing... I agree.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love you baby... you fill my heart with pride and joy.. Miss you my son if only we had more time. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Grow baby grow mommy wants you to stay. Come to me forever and I will love you for always. Love you baby boy.. mom

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Work Work Work

Well there is something to be said for keeping the mind occupied. I have just been given a promotion at work and am excited to start my new role. It is still hard for me be believe that they would give me such a role.... only because in my mind I'm still so young. HA HA I then remind myself that I'm not THAT young and oh yeah I've been working my butt off to do this for a really long time. So much has happened the past few years that I almost forget how fortunate I am to have work and so much of it. It has been a place of refuge for my mind. This is a huge chance and even more so given the circumstances I'm in right now. The days seem to go a little faster. The time not so still. My mind able to focus on others and tasks to be done. I am going to be so busy that my mind will be relieved of its duty of worry for this pregnancy. Oh, it will still be there on nights and weekends but to escape your mind for a while and concentrate on something totally not related feels like a breath of fresh air.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning beautiful... keep after your brother for a while longer and remember how much you are loved and missed and thought of here. mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Sweet music to my ears as your heart beat dances on the Doppler. Stay baby Stay.. I love you to the moon and back. mommy

Monday, October 25, 2010

Candy

I was reading my own blog (from start to finish) and came upon last years Halloween entry. I was just a few short weeks out from Joseph passing and a mess as to be expected. This year I don't think my heart will hurt so much. I am excited to put out some decorations and see all the kids again. Maybe it is the hope growing inside that has lightened my heart...My husband and I live in a great neighborhood full of families and lots of trick or treaties as I call them... I love looking at each child and asking them questions as to what they are or do they want a trick or a treat. There is something so sweet in the sound of a child's voice being assertive that I love. Maybe it is the first time they get to speak for themselves... I encourage them all to participate...Often our dogs hang out at the door (ever hopeful some candy will fall out of the bag onto the floor) but also to greet the little kids as they come. Our dogs usually make the kids feel safe coming to the door and they like to pet them and pat their heads. I usually try to dress them up and have so much fun. I can already see this year coming and feel some of the joy that it once brought coming back. I am glad I've not become jaded and sad for it.. because THIS is the stuff I get to look forward to.. hope with and desire. One day it will be me out there watching my little guy walking alone to a door for the first time.. one day... one day

Joseph can you hear mommy? Time to play a few tricks (but not with my keys please) I see you as a lion or a monkey this year.. walking up to that first door so cute.. Your door in heaven traveled alone to soon but none the less heartwarming in my mind... mom

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay and put those worries away.. we are going to make it together.. you and me babe... mommy

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Two steps forward..

I am including a picture of our little guy in here so for those of you who may not want to peak. I understand. I just wanted to start the focus now on this new little life inside me. I feel like I've had a lot of closure this week with Joseph... His birthday awesome.. my friends and family incredibly supportive. I am rested... more sure of myself and feel like I've taken two steps forward. My mind releasing baby Joe as we let go of the balloons and my heart making room for our new baby boy... We may have decided on a name.. Jonathan Cooper Jean. My husband has stated that this may change... so we are trying it out and I love it! So as you can tell I feel like I've taken two steps forward.


Introducing "little Jon"





Now.. for the one step back part. As you know I have had complications during this pregnancy and I just can't stop shaking the feeling that something will happen to him. Medically he is fine and I know and understand all of that. Emotionally I am drained and feeling hard on myself for some reason. I feel as If I'm letting him down or my body is anyway. None of this is true but the facts are facts. Hopefully I can swing this part of back into forward... I want so much to feel free and fun during this pregnancy.


Joseph can you hear mommy? Love love Love.... Love love love and now I need you to help and protect your little bro Jon. He needs all the support he can get. Show him the way. mom

Little Jon are you listening? There are not yet words for how in love I already am of you. Please hang in there buddy. All of my focus to you. love mommy

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Cutie


This is Joseph's best buddy here on earth. This is little Liam born just 3 short months after Joseph passed. His momma and I have been friends for over 28 years.. Yes 28 years. We would always be together... so we know how close they are. Here is the little guy letting his buddy in heaven know happy birthday. It touches my heart and is so sweet.. I can't describe the feelings that have unfolded after the sight of all the love and support we received last week. All I can do is smile right now.. and appreciate the cute things.. the great things.. the small things.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you got all the gifts we sent.. I know you saw and felt all the love we have for you. Sweet baby.. you amaze me. mom.

Put are you listening? It felt warm and happy to have you inside shining love for everyone... I know you know your brother now and we can't wait to share his joy with you in time. Stay baby stay.. love mommy

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Blown Away

Over 40 people came to Joseph's Balloon Release here in Phoenix... and More than 8 states participated. I am blown away. I woke this morning feeling very moved. very Loved.. Very much in Awe and honor. He touched us all and so deeply continues to be every body's baby. Letting go of the balloons made me happy.. Letting go just a small piece of him in me gave me peace. He is beautiful... and will never be forgotten.



Thursday, October 14, 2010

Happy Birthday in Heaven Joseph Henry



1:30am 10/15/09 - 2:30pm 10/16/09 Forever our son... Forever in our hearts. Always there is love. Happy first Birthday my boy.. Mommy

** grab some tissue... turn up the volume... enjoy his life in pictures.
Brandy

Nerves

I read my blog from start to finish....something I have not done.. ever. I usually don't go back but I wanted to see how far I've come. Unbelievable... is the only word I can use to describe the year. It went fast.. too fast. Here I sit waiting for tomorrow to come with anticipation and excitement. This is the same anticipation and excitement I had this same day 1 year ago as I thought just maybe today would have been my day... I don't think I would be here if it was...I have a video of pictures to share of him with the world (once I figure out how to use you tube) The cake is ordered and lots of balloons are being filled. The house is getting cleaned.. the first time in my life I am blessed to have someone else do it for us. I feel ready and terrified. Terrified because I've got this other little guy in my belly... worried that he will not make it and that tomorrow may be his birthday too. I am still having massive bleeding due to the SCH and Previa. It rocks me to the core each time I see such amounts and it takes all that I have left just to stand... I read the book Pregnancy after loss. How come there is nothing like my experience in there? Oh yeah.. that is because there can be nothing like this... A new book must be written.. For others to know more what this feels like. It takes nerves of steel to celebrate his 37 hours of life.. and to hope for a better outcome this time.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Are you getting ready up there? I see you in your baseball hat and mitt ready for play and action as always. So many will be with you tomorrow and Saturday... so many lives you have touched. Love.. Mom

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. I think I felt you for the first time. I have so many dreams for you already and want to share them with you. All of my love.. mommy

Monday, October 11, 2010

In one year


Today is 4 days until Joseph's birthday and 5 days until his passing. I find myself in a good place regarding his coming and going... I've worked very hard this year in therapy.. in prayer and in finding the light. I have found peace with so many things that I don't know if I would have ever resolved had this not have happened. I have grown more wise to learn not to speak until I've really thought about what to say.. I have learned to love more deeply than love has ever known before. I have refused to be a statistic or a sad case. I have held my head high.. spoke of my son.. created his legacy that will in turn help those who follow me in this journey of life and loss. In one year I have cried more freely... laughed more deeply.. quieted my spirit and found faith....This year I mothered a son in heaven.. and all that comes along with that. I created a world where I could reach him and in return he came to me with peace.. and sometimes dreams... In one year my life changed just as it would if he were with me... completely. Just like everyone said being a mother would change me it did. I am grateful... In one year I am... me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can. I still see you when I blink. I feel you in my heart. I reach you in my dreams and love all of you. mommy

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay... keep growing and thriving and join our family in time. You are already a big part of us. I love you little boy... mom.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Put and the SCH

First and foremost... our little baby PUT is doing great and growing exactly on track at 13 weeks... Baby was doing flips and flops at the NT scan and kept showing off ..ahem... certain parts...Needless to say they are 90% certain that our Put is a "HE". I feel so blessed that I am having another boy. It warms my heart to think I've got another little guy in there. I know I know it is still so soon and anything is possible but.. he was REALLY showing off and I think they are right. In other good news.. NT scan showed perfect and along with our blood work we are told that we are going to have a healthy baby...

For the not so good news... mommy has a 4cm sub chorionic hemorrhage that is in a not so good spot. It is right behind the placenta. That itself would not be concerning if I was not still bleeding bright red blood.. They found that IS from the placenta now completely covering my cervix causing Placenta Previa. As you know Joseph died because my placenta abrupted... so this leaves us feeling so nervous. Dr's prescribed rest.. rest.. and more rest... We were also told that the two situations.. abruption and this are not related just really bad luck.... So I will Work from home when I can and do as little as possible. I go back every 2 weeks to monitor. Pray all is resolved by 20 weeks... and just hope right along with us that everything is going to be alright.

Joseph can you hear mommy? It is 1 week from your birthday - so many people are coming to celebrate your day - around the world others will be lighting a candle or sending off balloons from different locations. I can't wait.. I miss you and love you..mom

Put are you listening... Stay baby stay.. Keep growing away. I saw you showing off already and I am So in love with you. mommy PS we are working on your name Right now don't worry.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Cherub and Mother Nature

I dreamed what felt like 10 seconds just before I woke from sleep. I was playing indoor soccer and the coach would not put me in because well.. I'm supposed to be on bed rest. Needless to say I was mad anyway and slammed my shampoo bottle down.. it exploded. Why I had shampoo I will never know. Anyway because I could not play I went back to my room in a hotel that had 10 beds to a room.. I was looking for the bed I was to have and everyone kept telling me no sorry.. not this one.. I Finally found my bed (inside a wall) and had to climb up a rope to pull my body into the wall. (yes I said wall) The bed was nice and looked really comfortable and I remember telling myself it was like a safe little womb. I settled in and then noticed that above my bed was an opening to something else. Standing on my tip toes I peaked OVER the celling and to my left was a cherub. At first I thought it was a baby doll... and then the Cherub looked at me blinked.. and then Blew GOLDEN dust out of his hand into my face. Just as the sparkle of dust began to fall it illuminated another bedroom. Filled with purple satin.. mother natures den... She rose from slumber and looked directly into my eyes. She said to me "Your wish will be granted". Then I woke up. What an awesome dream. I hope it comes true.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Was that you blowing me kisses in my dream? I felt you so vividly. You make me feel proud and warm. I love you baby... mom.

Put are you listening? Stay baby Stay - Grow and become the one who I can take home forever. You are in all my thoughts and I love you so much already. Mommy

Saturday, October 2, 2010

October came


I was not expecting October to come. I didn't want to turn that page and see that the month is October. It happened anyway. I watched as I wrote in my own hand his birthday... and his memorial on the loving spots they will arrive. I sobbed as I saw my hand shake.. a tremble in my soul. Although I am so proud of him and all that he has touched this past year.. I am missing him. So many new friends have come into my life making it more rich than I could have imagined... So many people have reached out and voiced hope and love I almost can't keep count. Of loves that have lost his was great. A piece of my heart never to return went to heaven with him. I don't mind.. For my hole has healed with new light and a life I would have never known. Tears of remembering him slip slowly past my cheek and drip under my chin... but once they touch my heart I know a love that is unstoppable.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you little one. I love you more than the world has air. I can feel you smiling down on me... mom.

Put are you listening? Your big brother is helping you I know.. helping you just like a big brother should. I love you...stay baby stay... mommy

Thursday, September 30, 2010

ER but ok

I really do try to avoid the ER. I know they can't do anything for me and I also know that most of the ER Docs just are not 'good' with pregnant ladies bleeding to what they feel like is death. I had the biggest SCH bleed to date last night. It actually woke me up out of a deep sleep. Right around 11:30pm I sat up and KNEW. I ran to the BR and sure enough.. blood. not a speck.. not a spot... a OH MY can I even walk after loosing this much amount.

Baby PUT is WONDERFUL. I didn't want to keep going in the story until telling you he/she is fine.. we have too much sorrow in this community too much loss.. and this is NOT a sad story.. this is just a scary one. AGAIN!

Ok - so back to ER... I really DON'T want to go... the long wait... the Dr who is brutally cold... the cold rooms.. the lack of sleep.. you get it.. but there was NO WAY I couldn't go last night. Husband raced me there... and you will never guess.

NOBODY was in the waiting room... Not one single person?! I went right in.. I had a room in 10 min. The Dr and nurse comforted me in less than 1 hour by showing me on ultrasound baby PUT and the Strong heartbeat! I was blown away. The ER Dr. actually knew what to do - was not cold.. but nice.. Said you are at 12 weeks and you will be Fine.. baby looks good... Amazing. He even asked us to wait while we had a real ultrasound tech come in and she sent the slides to the OB on call -

we left in under 3 hours. that has to be a record. There is GOOD everywhere.. and sometimes even when you have a bad situation or the worst possible in your mind... People surprise you.. Something goes your way and just when you need it.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you are looking in and keeping your sister or brother safe.. I can feel you so strong now.. you are amazing and I love you more than there are words... mom

Little put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. keep growing the way you are and snuggle in.. we need you to snuggle in for another 6 months. I love you with all my heart.. mommy

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Perhaps

Seems like a momentous hurdle... today I am 12 weeks. Oh, my rose colored glasses are not on.. I know there is no such thing as out of the woods. Perhaps I can get some sleep now.. Perhaps I can eat again without the constant gag and choking. Maybe my mind will ease if only some. I still have fear and worry but more good days are coming. Perhaps I will be able to slowly crawl out of the grief. Joseph's birthday is in 15 days...I know how beautiful his party will be. I took out some of his things.. in his box.. just to touch, smell and remember. Perhaps now I can clean out the drawers.. Make room for Put's things and box up the remaining items we have chosen to keep just for Joseph. It feels like the right time to do this now. Perhaps I will feel better each day coming out of the grief filled year and into the new beginning where hope is already bubbling.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you in my arms again.. You are so strong and powerful. I love you until forever... mommy.

Put are you listening? 12 weeks today we have been together.. you are growing so well and making us so proud. We love you so much and can't wait to see you grow and grow. mom.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dogs say it best


I made the bed this morning....... and our old lady Emma Jean decided she was NOT ready to get out of it.. She got so close to the pillows that they flipped on top of her.. not that she minded. Pretty little nest of happiness. She tucked so cozy and warm... Drifts my mind to content. Joseph is in heaven safe and warm.. Put is in my belly safe and warm.... somehow all is right again... Dogs know how to say it best. LOVE.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Nearing your big day my heart open wide with love... mom.

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay... no worries today.... love you mommy.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Blech

Just when I started to feel really embraced and ready to tell the world about PUT.. bleeding again.. Not nearly as bad as before but, still.. I just want to Scream.. THIS SUCKS. Being a pregnant BLM is ridiculously hard. Every twinge. wipe.. look in the mirror.. questions my ability to be able to do it... To bring a living child home.. BLECH... horrible spit of vial that I have sitting in the pit of my stomach. To top it all off.. I miss my son so much right now.. To have his what would be heavy head resting against my chest would ease the worry that I contain. Every day is a struggle.. Every day I have to tell myself "everything is gonna be alright". I sometimes feel like one of those blow up punching bags... you remember the kind that had a weight in the bottom and when you whapped at it... it would hit the ground only to come right back up again? That is exactly what I feel like.. I just keep getting back up.. moving forward.. shake my head a little with wonder and worry and move my next foot forward.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you can feel my love... It is so strong that I almost know you can.. mom

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. We need you so much and love you more than you will ever understand.. mommy.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

acceptance

It feels like I have aged 10 years in 3 weeks. With all the activity going on regarding little "put" and bleeding... and the overwhelming Grief wave that has crashed down on me as we approach Joseph's first birthday in heaven... it is a wonder I'm still standing. I am fighting weight loss.. as you know I'm trying to gain weight for the our Put.. and somehow the pounds just keep slipping away. It isn't too bad.. Lost 5lbs that is all and I am eating what I can get into my mouth as often as I can.. but the food chokes me again. Just like it did in the beginning of my grief... I can't sleep.. I wake each night at 1:30am exactly the time little baby Joe was born.... My hair has turned gray.. Not kidding.. Even my husband notices it... and my hairdresser. The lines on my face have deepened and I am tired. BUT, as I sit here today weathered by the storm I am happy. Not kidding.. happy and so thankful for everything... I feel with my new aged body has come such a wisdom... A patients that has never been there before.. a quiet light that is shining once again from inside me out... and then I figured out what it was..... acceptance.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love each day when the sun comes up and I see you shining down over us.. you amaze me.. mommy.

Put are you listening? Stay in there ... stay in there.. Grow and know how loved you are.. mom.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

signs of relief

I got all of Josephs first birthday in heaven cards out.. and posted on facebook for those that I did not have an address for. Some of you are only readers and therefore I'll post here too. Joseph's birthday in heaven will be Saturday the 16th of October. If you don't live in Arizona... just light a candle for him OR let off a balloon yourself and take a picture for me... I would LOVE to see it... It is also Arizona's National Walk to remember for all baby's gone too soon. I think he has a special birthday... sign number one.. being born on the same day the world has chosen as a Day to remember our children.. October 15th each year will be celebrated by too many people.. too many families.. but that also warms my heart. My state does not have much... but it does have an incredible group of women and men running infant loss groups for support and there is a hospital that supports us every step of the way. So on the day of his death one year later we will Walk.. sign number two.. to remember him and all babies.. Every single child who's mom's read this blog will be remembered. We will be writing names in chalk along our one mile path.. Each of you will have your baby remembered by me and my husband. Each of you will know that you have touched my heart.. and Josephs heart in so many ways... Ahhh yes that is the sign of relief. Relief he is not forgotten.. that none of our children are forgotten..

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you are ready to lead the parade.. We will be marching and signing for you.. I can't wait for you to see the balloons coming your way soon. All of my love, mommy

Put are you listening? Do exactly what you are doing little one.. Grow and grow and stay put for a while. I love you littlest hope.. mom.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

11 months of missing you


Today marks 11.... 11 months of missing you. I woke in a panic that something was "missing" and it was you. My heart heavy but my love Grand. I picture you with a ball cap and jean shorts... Walking already although not steady yet. You are so strong and cute. I can feel your dimples from here. I can smell your sweet baby sent and hear your kisses in the wind when they wisp across my face. Forward together hand in hand we are united in our bond of mother and child. Proud is my chest filled with having a son. A beautiful boy... 11 months in heaven today.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love.. Love.. Love all for you baby boy. Little man Joe.. forever and ever, mom.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Stay Put

So baby B now has a little nick-name.. "stay put" or just "Put" for short. Little Put has been a roller coaster of emotion for us... we have really been so fortunate for the care of our Dr's to see us so much and with such tender hearts. I went again today for another ultrasound to check on little "Put". It seems that I am still bleeding and they can't find the source.. anywhere... so It comes and goes as a surprise for me and usually happens right when I am trying to go to sleep (thus I have not been sleeping well). Anyway.... little Put is right where he/she and I'm thinking she with all this trouble... is supposed to be. Heart beating, growing on schedule and a beautiful site for sore eyes. Speaking of I must look like a sight for sore eyes.. all the staff have been so comforting and kind.. even the Dr told me if I get scared again.. just come in.. someone is always willing to do a little ultrasound if that gives me hope and peace of mind. Love them for that. I'm pretty sure that will help me until I can make it to the 12 weeks mark and then order a home Doppler for regular checking. I also lost 3 lbs... NOT good when trying to grow a baby. I am not sick just don't feel like eating and then when I do get hungry I don't want what I make myself. So I'm just getting in calories for now - whatever they may be.. good or bad I need to get something in and help this little one Grow Grow Grow. Today I am 9 weeks and 4 days. I'd like to be in a medically induced coma for 7 more months but alas.. I'll keep ticking on my own with my little Stay put in my heart and my wonderful husband by my side.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love that you are helping your little brother or sister. I sent invitations out today for your 1st birthday in heaven. I love you more than words can express.. mommy

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. take my worries away.. love and grow strong. momma

Friday, September 10, 2010

Get off the Bus.

Thanks so much for all of your good wishes and prayers. I go back to the Dr. on Monday so for the weekend they told me modified bed rest. I can still go to work but for the most part I need to be laying down or sitting with my feet up. NOOOO PROBLEM. I still feel so worried... but I got to see little baby b's heart beating away... He/She is still in there and going strong. I am feeling a little better today having read lovely comments and emails from all of you who are such a big help to me. I absolutely love this community of friends.... It is amazing what words can do to the heart.. the mind and the body. I go to therapy... that is also a wonderful place for me to find support and help getting turned in the go forward positive direction. Last night I was told to think of my emotions as a bus.... I had to tell her who's driving the bus (Fear) and then to think of a name for Fear... (I am sure you can think of LOTS of names that go with FEAR...) so when fear drives my bus I can yell at it to GET OFF THE BUS... thus taking control and putting whomever I want in the driver seat (HOPE)... needless to say that is a very good tool. I've had lots of fun filling my bus seats with so many good thoughts that FEAR and failure and all those other terrible emotions have just been BOOTED RIGHT OFF.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw you last night as I visited your big boy place. I felt your tickle of warm wind across my cheek. I love you my son.. always mommy.

Little baby B are you listening? Hope drives our bus and we will bump off all of those that don't belong together. Forever my love... mom

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Worried and all worked up

First everything is okay... and there seems to be a rash of this going around... in our BLM world....Enough already I can't handle anymore! I am having a huge bleed... huge... Scared out of my mind I went to the emergency women's fetal center thinking the worst had already happened. It DID NOT. Baby b is still with us.. Heart beating fast but just fine. I cried my eyes out.... Nestled in and measuring perfect. Why in the world am I literally bleeding so much that I can not stop the panic and they can't find any reason for it on my ultrasound? How can it be normal? This is not normal and yet the Dr who saw me today (and does not know my history) said.. this is the 3rd one of these I've seen today...like hey no big deal... Okay.. HUGE sigh of relief that nothing is wrong with this little one but come ON can I catch a break here? When should I be more worried that the bleeding is more.... and then NOT okay. I will wait for my regular OB to call me back tomorrow.... Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks and I can't imagine that I will sleep tonight. I wish they could have seen the source of the bleeding.. I wish they could have told me that it was "almost" done or that it would stop by such and such time OR Come back tomorrow so we can check you again just to be safe..... Until now I just pray that baby B hangs on and this is nothing more than a little speed bump to an otherwise perfect healthy and coming home baby.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I am so worried. I know you see me and daddy working with your little brother or sister.. I love you my son with all my heart... mom

Little baby B? Hang in there little love.. in my heart so deep already.. On my mind and worried about you .... sink in and stay for us.. we want you so badly. always and forever your mommy.

Monday, September 6, 2010

A dose of baby


So full was my heart this weekend. My husband and I got to care for a family of 4. Zero to 4 under the age of 11 and perfect. The cake and the icing this little guy.. 7 months old with two bottom teeth. What a happy and super cute baby. I loved having so much going on. The house busy with the buzz of life and little ones. Funny stories and good games to play. Just bliss. As you know it was not my family but one of my best friends on earth asked us to visit for this weekend in hopes of getting some time alone with her husband. Who would say no to such an offer... Loved having this time. We are auntie and uncle after all even if not by blood.. sometimes friends are closer than family anyway. A good dose of baby and a beautiful way to spend my time.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I heard you giggle with us this weekend. You were right there in the thick of it with laughter. It is almost your birthday baby.. I love you.. mommy

Baby B Jean are you listening? Sweet love you are and so much hope I felt for you this weekend. I am ready for you to move and dance inside... love mom.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

parallel

I am in a strange parallel right now.. The weeks are ticking down toward Josephs first birthday in heaven... and the weeks are ticking up in baby b's new life. I want each week to come more quickly for this little one growing inside me.. so that I feel he or she is safe... and yet I don't want the weeks to turn any further.. knowing the reality of Joseph not being here for an entire year is looming. I have new appointments made for baby b... and birthday cards for Josephs birthday party ready....just not mailed out yet. I bought a few new onsies for this little one as to show no fear (although I am constantly worried) I picked out a cake to serve my big boy turning one. I am holding my belly and holding my heart at the same time. I live with positive joy and love...but panic catches me off guard. I feel more motherly and round..and hollow missing him sometimes. I am on a grand adventure where each week leads me into the next unknown. It is a wild journey that I am so happy to share with everyone... I joined the group SPALS this week. It is a support group for BLM's who are now pregnant again. It is a private group you can join and I encourage others to check it out. I know I'm leaning hard on everyone... dealing with death and a baby all at one time is as before.. a parallel world.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you big boy.. more than there are seconds in a day.. more than heaven is high in the sky... until forever... mommy

Baby B are you listening? I saw you beating on your 8th week of life yesterday... you are amazing and the courage you have blesses me daily. I love you.. mom.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The silver


Every cloud has a silver lining... unless you live in the west and the clouds poof pink after a storm. I love the storm clouds from the rain and admire the sheer awe of nature's beauty from pain. A constant rebirth and reminder of what comes can go so quickly and left yet in the path something terrible and still so pretty. Our life continues to be beautiful. I still have pain from loss and then beauty from hope. Not just hope for our future as parents but also hope from what Joseph has brought to our lives... something only mother nature could orchestrate... something so meaningful to all of our hearts. Deep in my soul I feel him rocking to the time of my heart beating.. settled in our lives forever our first born son. Love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? It is almost your birthday in heaven. One is a big deal and we are going to celebrate. I smile when I see you dance in heaven. love until forever... mom

Baby B Jean are you listening? Let me feel you grow and know that you are so wanted so loved.. mommy

Friday, August 27, 2010

Days of the week.

The days of the week keep turning.. Each day I look forward to the next. Monday I was filled with fright... Tuesday I was back to the gym... Wednesday I was so tired from Monday that I just made it... Thursday went fast and busy.. Today I sit shaking my head that just a short week has gone by and all my emotions have been used to the fullest. I tried to open my sisters garage door with my opener.... I boiled eggs and forgot about them for an hour. I flooded the bathroom because I used the sink we had not yet fixed knowing ... it had not yet been fixed. I yelled.. I cried... I slept. Sometimes the days of the week fly by.. Sometimes like this week each day feels like a different year. I got Josephs Birthday cards in the mail today... I bought them from Carly at Red bubble... just love her work so much. I can't wait to celebrate his day.. Oh, how loved he is..

Joseph can you hear mommy? Almost my son... almost 1. I miss you baby boy and see those teeth you cut.. what a cute smile. I picture you with dimples. All my love mom.

Baby B Jean are you listening? Float in the love that surrounds you... Know how much you are loved. Grow to the beautiful soul I know you want to be.. mommy.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Positive energy

To be positive in the face of everything... that is no easy task and yes even I fail to at every twist and turn believe all the time... Not today. Not now and not ever will cast my shadow of doubt. Yesterday and today I was bleeding.. Never a good sign and not what I wanted... I convinced myself and my husband that I'd lost all symptoms of being pregnant... because for some strange reason my pants fit this morning... The mind can play terrible tricks on your body. Your body will give into your mind unless you change it. I went to the Dr today ... not supposed to go but I just could not shake it... the empty feeling... the helplessness. I simply said when I got there.. Please.. Please let this be alright. And Baby B's heart beat... This time we got to hear it. In just 3 short days the little bean grew and looked healthy... Tears of joy spilled and I wept to clear my mind of the fear that was gripping me. Released that strong hold and exhaled a giant sigh of Hope.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw your t-rex in the cloud on the way home... I am happy you are playing in heaven... So clearly and so wonderful you are beautiful... mom

Baby B Jean are you listening... I also saw you today in my belly.. beating and laughing... I can only guess you will be a little girl as only one made from me could give so much trouble in so short of time.... I love you now and always.. Mommy

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Pregnancy after loss

I read the book... I know the rules (rules don't apply) and still I can not catch a break in my mind. Every single thing I do keeps telling me I'm not lucky enough to have this little one really growing and that.. something may have already happened so... don't go spending on new maternity clothes and baby booties. I am one of the most positive people you will ever meet.. I promise, really I am. Even after Joseph died I decided to look up and grieve in the light.... I managed very well I think.. so far and maybe... Today I am a mess of pessimism... after the high of seeing the heartbeat on Friday I was so sure and confident positive that was all I needed to shake this... this... feeling I have of sorrow again. Overwhelming me is a constant attention to my uterus... I keep thinking was that a cramp? Why does my low back hurt.. am I spotting? Am I crazy? When I got pregnant with Joseph and saw the heart beating for the first time... I just knew that everything was going to be alright... Last time I was pregnant with my little hope in April... I knew from the start that there was not much of a chance.... and we never did see that little bean flicker...yet I was so sure...Today I am 6weeks and 3 days.. I saw the heart beating in front of my eyes... Why am I crying? how can the doubt circle back so fast I feel whiplash? I don't go back until September 1st...... The beast of pregnancy after loss can rear its head.. but it can't win I am too stubborn to let it... I am digging my heals in and giving this everything I've got.


Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw the rain last night and thought of you splashing in rain boots... I miss you so much and love you even more... mommy.

Baby Jean are you listening.... Every ounce that I have in me wants you.. safe and home until forever... mom

Friday, August 20, 2010

Baby B for Baby Jean


Today we saw the heart beat. That little bean flickered on screen for his/her debut. As if on cue the smallest gift from god came and we watched with pure joy as baby Jean danced. So much has gone right... every step we have taken on this specific part of our journey has gone our way. For the first time in all the years we have been on this roller coaster... something happened when it should and just how it should. All the signs all the forward momentum. All the love shows here. 6 weeks and 1 day of perfection. My due date is April 14th 2011... Today I will sleep with quiet and in awe of all of this... this miracle in the making...

Joseph can you hear mommy? thanking for looking in the window from heaven and watching over this little brother or sister for us.. Your talent is amazing.. I have more love for you with every second of every day. I miss you little guy and feel you as you shine your love over me... Mommy

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The great unknown

Sometimes it is hard to not know... and other times I wish I did not know at all any of this. I am having trouble keeping focused right now. I am... believe me... doing everything that I know how to do and more....but doubt keeps creeping in that I am really pregnant again and this is our baby to take home. Every little thing that happens makes me nervous and the last thing I need to be is high strung or worried for any reason. I know everything is going to be alright but that does not stop my mind from turning sharp and quick into what if... not.. and then what happens. I trace the steps of my pregnancy with Joseph and all was perfect the whole time... no indication that anything was wrong so how in the heck do I just take that plunge of believing? The answer is I just do. I just have to. I press forward into the great unknown and try to turn on my suspension of disbelief mind on full power. I rest easy in little tricks I play with myself... Ah.. This is how someone can drive themselves crazy... but, I'm already a little crazy anyway. As a new day dawns and I reach out into the great unknown... Peace fills my heart hope guides my way and love is what helps me make it to the next minute.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I picture you in heaven paving the path for this or these gentle souls... who is it to be your little brother or sister or both? I love you ... the littlest Jean, Mommy

Monday, August 16, 2010

Another Milestone


As yet another page turns on the calendar... Another milestone passed. 10 months have gone already and I can't tell you where the time has gone. 10 months of loving him and knowing him and finding my path as a mom to an angel in heaven. I have learned so much about love.. faith and hope. These months have shown me more than I ever expected to know. I have witnessed firsthand deep kindness from many people. I have seen Joseph grow in heaven to be so brave and kind. I am proud of my son and although a little sad as... tick... of time clocks the next chapter.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet little guy. I see you with your baseball cap and smile. Love profound for you. I miss you my baby.. mom

Friday, August 13, 2010

whif


I got a huge whiff of him... something that I have not had in a really long time. I often go in the nursery for anything I can think of... I put my scrapbook things in there and we have moved in a glider for sitting... Even though Joseph did not come home from the hospital I smell him in there sometimes. It happened again this morning as I was finishing getting ready.. I passed the nursery on my way out the door and Wham whoosh.. Love. The biggest smile landed on my lips and I just released the deepest sigh. It is just the little things like this that make me so happy... One Whiff and I know he is safe and warm and happy. I have not been able to smell him in a long while and thought the sent had faded. I'm so glad it is still there allowing me in just for a moment of love and a hug from heaven.

Joseph can you hear mommy? All my love to you sweet little one. Every breath I take for you to know forever my own. Love, mommy.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Gonna be Alright



Theme song.....

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much.... Every morning I see you when the sun comes up and every night I tuck you into bed as the sun sets.... Until Forever, mommy.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Going strong...

So far so good. Numbers are where they are supposed to be.... feeling confident that this is my rainbow(s) baby. I have to say that I have had strange pings and pangs and I'm not sure what that means other than my body is starting to work... I guess. I know for sure that I can feel all your good thoughts for me and my husband as we walk into the realm of pregnancy after loss.. hand and hand... I am SO SO SO Hopeful. Keep them coming and thank you so much..

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you for all that you are and the courage you bring me. I can't tell you enough how beautiful you are... amazing baby Joe.... Love mommy.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Credits

There are so many people who have helped me......... When Joseph died my usually free spirit of giving smiles and laughter was crushed.... My quick wit and kooky nature gone. Even my neck and back physically hurt from hanging my head down so low. Then there where those that came into my life who will forever be new friends. Old friends who really showed up for me and never gave into letting me slip further into dark. Amazing village of love. As it takes a village to raise a child it also takes one to forge their death. I can't give out enough credit to those who did...and forever will be in my heart....If I could I would give back to them the same amount of hope they have given me the world would change... so I will.. I have never been judged for the amount of time I need to grieve.. I have never been questioned as to why I want things with his name on it all the time still. All those that know me understand that I just want to forever keep Joseph memory alive. I want to document each passing moment of my life for him so he can see how much a part of my life he is and will always be. I'm not going to say I don't still have dark moments.. The waves have reduced to small crashes into the sand...but, most of the time my village of hope that surrounds me has shined shined shined into a beautiful part of my life. I am forever changed and will continue to be changed....and when I look inside for who I once was... I see her... only brighter and stronger than before.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful son who's gifts keep giving and growing with each passing day. I saw you take your first steps in heaven against the magenta sky of night. Sending you so many kisses that you would wiggle and giggle me to stop. I love you my son... mommy

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Can you see it?



I can. Even if you can't see it ..... it is there... BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IVF worked. Today we got the news that our littlest hope is in there. I am stunned happy. All of you know how uncertain the first few weeks are so please.. Keep this on the down low especially if you read here and are a friend of mine of FB... Please don't post. I'll be waiting to make official announcement once we are further down the line. What I CAN use is your help with is prayer.. that this littlest hope keeps growing strong and that this is our future child to bring home forever.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I knew when I saw your letter in the rainbow that you were looking out for us. You amaze me my son. Love for you reaches to heaven today I feel it. mom.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

So Slowly

Time goes by so slowly.... when you are waiting for your tomorrow to come. I have filled my days with what if and when. I have rationalised what should/ will and can happen to being nothing more than worry. I have convinced myself that I already know the outcome and yet.. I wait still not knowing. I am sure those of you who have waited two weeks know what I am feeling. I feel so confident and then so weak. I feel so sure of myself that this IVF worked that I can circle back in under 10 seconds to I couldn't be that lucky. Ah time is a keeper alright. A trapper of thought and emotion. So slowly will the next few days be... so quickly will my mind race with anticipation of what tomorrow will bring.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Big kisses and lots of hugs... smiles and shine to you today and tomorrow and always... mom.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Something New


There is something new of him.... his feet on the heart of my husbands chest. The place where my head shall fall and feel the place of him again. Something new of him with us always.... something new of him to smile at and touch... talk about and show... Something new of him to love if it was ever possible for me to have more love for him.

Joseph can you hear mommy? See how much you are loved... I know you know already... I feel that you are so proud. You are daddy's little man and have stolen a piece of him forever... love can't be a big enough word... mommy.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

All In



Two of the most beautiful embryo are in... See how pretty? Ok for those of you not having to deal with infertility.. really these are Beautiful ones.... I feel so excited for this chance.. So good about the opportunity and all that has happened this cycle. The mental game has begun... The wait. The next 2 weeks will feel like forever. I will run every emotion each hour - I will be confident and then doubtful... I will be excited and then terrified. I will question my decision to put in two embryo and then be happy about it the next. I will try to convince myself each twinge is a sign of pregnancy and then.... that each twinge may be a sign that I am not. I will buy home pregnancy tests at the store and then not take them... and then want to take them... and then only take one once I know the news... I will try to stay relaxed.. I will laugh - I will cry ... I will worry and I will wonder. Beyond everything else.. I will HOPE... and love and feel joy that we had this chance.. this chance... this chance to be parents again. Exhilarating as I know that I have parented every emotion possible already with Joseph in my heart and new babies on my mind.

2 Grade A blast - transferred
1 Grade A blast - frozen day 5
3 Grade A blast - frozen day 6

WOW

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you my son as I always do - you brushed my cheek with a silent tear that fell knowing just how beautiful my life is with you in it. Love, mom

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Later Today

Later today we will transfer 2 little embryo to me... Our Transfer is scheduled at 1:15. I can honestly say that waiting is hard... but my life so far has been about waiting and somehow I still don't call my life hard.... So what I do with the time during my waiting has become.. well... my life. Today I'll walk the dogs and make a big breakfast... watch a little news and perhaps read the newspaper.. Catch up on the blogs, reach out to a few Friends.... all the while with a huge smile of what is coming later today. I will go to acupuncture and relax.. meditate and drink the ever important giant mug of water... I'll drive to the Dr.. all the while Smile smile smile. Today's wait filled with hope.. the journey never dull. I have a vision board that I use to help remind me of everything I am searching for .. not like I could forget... waiting and waiting for you....
perhaps later today.

Joseph can you hear mommy? what a beautiful day little one... thank you for the beautiful sun rise and the calm.. my hear to you my own.. love, mom.

Friday, July 23, 2010

A letter from Joseph


We got a letter from Joseph as we rode in the car on the way to our egg retrieval. It doesn't rain much in Arizona so it was a pleasant surprise to drive while the sky was gray with clouds of laughter... we broke out in song spirits high for our adventure to our rainbow baby began this day. Our chance yet again nearing. With the windows rolled down and the highway clear in front of us... we got a letter from Joseph....
He said - Ready or not here you go Always with me in your heart.. I watch over you both Now and forever.. Before you is Our brighter beginning.. you are Wonderful parents and my brothers and sisters are waiting with love for you to bring them home.

That letter from Joseph was spelled out to us in the briefest RAINBOW that sprinkled the sky before us as we drove... before we blinked it was gone only to be seen by us. Together we are a strong family. We have 12 embryo growing... 12 more chances of hope. Tuesday we will be re-united as one. Love

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thank you for my gift and the beautiful sign of love. You amaze me each day with your courage and hope. Love, Mommy

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Commitment

Commitment..... It is the combination of DESIRE and discipline, the vulnerability inherent in admitting you WANT something and the BELIEF that it is worth working toward. TRUE commitment.... to a person... a cause...your own well-being is the SUREST way to achieve your DREAMS... I have the desire to bring new life into this world whole... alive and happy. I have the discipline to understand that this is my journey in life and it is accepted as much as it is loved. My vulnerability in admitting that I have infertility and strive every day knowing that my belief is that I am meant to be a mother to many children. Everything I sacrifice is worth it... all the grief.. pain.. tears.. hope.. love.. all of it. I am TRUELY committed to my family and the making of it bigger. This is my CAUSE and the surest way that I know to achieve my dreams is to never give up.... not the hope... not the love.. not the desire or the passion.. not the gifts and not until we are compleate.

Joseph can you hear mommy... I committed to you many months before you were conceived and again during our precious nine months together... More over... the eternal commitment I am to you as your mother. Until forever is never long enough. I love you... mom

Monday, July 19, 2010

This Thursday

This Thursday I will have that chance.. the one where I am able to give and accept life again. Thursday we will have our Retrieval for IVF. This is our second IVF... and we have had 2 FET so far. The first time we had IVF... we did not get to do a fresh transfer due to a polyp that they found during stimulation (I guess that decided to grow along with the stim drugs. So last time I had egg retrieval surgery we just stopped everything else and froze our embryo. FET 1 produced our precious Joseph Henry... FET 2 produced a tiny hopeful fighting baby that lived 6 weeks and 3 days. I know my body can do it. I feel more ready now than I have ever felt during any procedure. I am more calm... older... wiser.. Able to accept more challenges or changes without freaking out. Most of all I just feel so excited. I have a chance at new life again. I never thought in a million years I'd be doing this again and even more than that I never thought it would get to be this soon. Arizona has some of the worst laws for IVF. Recently they just past a handful of really crappy ones. Don't need to get started on those feelings. All I know is that without the love, support and help I have recieved from so many people (including everyone in BLM and Infertility blog land) I wouldn't be where I am now. Open, honest, Free, ready, hopeful... amazed.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Tell your little buddies up there where I am. I am ready for your brother or sister or both. I love you dear sweet son... until always, mom.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Ouch


The menepur/lupron/follistim combo got me.


Most of the time it does not hurt.. the shots... some of you know too well and others don't know at all the lengths that we go to for a child... I say we as the "infertility crew". Just know that despite the look of this I do not complain. I am happy that I even have a chance for a pregnancy again. This is still my path... the journey I am on. Riding high on hope at the moment.... Retrieval set for Wednesday or Thursday this week.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much it reaches to heaven and back. Mom.

Friday, July 16, 2010

A day at a time...



One day at a time,
This is enough.
Do not look back and grieve over the past.
For it is gone. . .
And do not be troubled about the future.
For it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful.
That it will be worth remembering.


I love this little statement. It is not mine and I don't know who wrote it but I believe in it and a day at a time. It is hard not to look back and grieve over the past when dealing with infant death but I understand it. I try to look back and remember all that is beautiful instead. Yesterday Joseph would have been 9 months old... today is 9 months since he passed away. That ONE day is worth remembering every single second. So Yesterday I did just that. I remember the second I came out of Anastasia... he was there next to me in a tiny little isolate. I didn't even know he was a boy until I saw my husband who was right behind the helicopter flight nurse who was in her orange jump suit ready to take him to the children's hospital across town. Paul said "We have a son" Joseph Henry..That ONE second I had with my son filled my heart with pride and joy and hope and love and a calm in front of the storm that was about to hit. I touched his hand and he squeezed my heart. I swept a finger across his face and forever that feeling so soft will be ingrained into my soul.... So yesterday I focused on that ONE second. That moment in time where the world was perfect and I had a son.. and a husband.. and a beautiful life filled with what others can only wish for. A day at a time...

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hey beautiful...baby boy. You are chubby now and all wiggly and warm. I see your toothless grin in my dreams and love beyond this world all of you - mommy.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Eager

I am eager to do more... say more.. help more.. Love more.. learn more... Breaking out of the deepest darkest depths of grief I awoke to knowing that something is out there that I need to be doing.. for others. I dip my toe in the water now and then but really I need more to do. The blogs I read feed this need and this blog I write releases that desire some. I wish I painted... wrote poetry... baked in clay or had some other way to express this peace I've found but I don't have that thing others do to show expressions. Instead I work out. I know sounds strange but that is what I do. I teach others how to exercise while gaining speed from them I am pushed to better myself at the same time. Working out brings me joy. The thump of the music... the fill of the room with people... the timing of it all. Each step better than the next like a crescendo of pent up grief being released outwardly. In the end I leave feeling exhausted and a rush of adrenaline sooths that hunger for this more... and more.. that I have to do. I am thankful for this ability and this passion of mine. It really gets all the emotions out and leaves me feeling accomplished and fiery for what is to come. Once I can stop this focus on myself I'd love to teach others how to deal with grief through movement. It is explosive and really powerful. All sorts of things have been dreamed up in my head of what this will look like. I can't wait to offer it to all.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you shift in stride today. Must have been that baby thump of you falling hard after trying to walk. Moved me. I miss you terribly and love you with all that I am... mom.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

9 months fast approaching


After Joseph died I started taking pictures of myself.... Without makeup... without my hair done and really just without. I was feeling without in the beginning and I don't know why I started to do it except to say I wanted to SEE my grief. What it did to my features.. what It looks like on me each month. I put an album together of each picture and I'll share them all one day... when I feel ready but... I wanted to say that with nine months fast approaching (July 15th) I feel good. The picture above is me... in one of those "without" photos. I am holding Marlie Storm who is perfect and all of a few hours old when this was taken. I have to say that this is the FIRST time in all the months that I see my "sparkle" back. That little hint of wow that I know is in there. Holding her made my heart sing... It showed me that a baby CAN be born alive and happy and with no complications... She showed me that I am a mom... and will be again. I am no longer "without" and my heart has slowly filled back up again with love and shine and all that It was.... until Last October. Seeing the changes my body has endured and seeing the facial changes in my smile.. laugh.. tears.. eyes.. makes me know I am okay with the 9 month mark coming. And the circle of life is beginning again. I finally feel ready.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are so beautiful my little one... my own. I miss you still but love you so much more than even that. Until always, Mommy.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Northern Lights


This is an amazing rainbow... It is called Northern Lights and Fire. Makes me feel like the fire I have moving forward toward my rainbow baby. Working on it hard and reaching inside for all the power I have to remain hopeful, positive, light. I am determined without being forceful. All the decisions made.. time has begun again on our journey. I am using the power of these lights and fire to help burn for me and guide me to the ultimate place. Love shines bright on me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Incredible things being made in heaven. I see these rainbows and know what the message is. I love you my son always.. and deep in my heart, mom.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Fresh

Part of learning to live again is feeling the fresh air on your face. Yesterday we went on another kayak experience. This one a little more free from the guided tour. Two hours.. Two kayaks and the Salt river in front of us. We saw a hawk several blue Herring and then.. just when the river opened up there they were. Wild horses. Probably 10 of them just drinking from the river. White, Gray, Tan. So fresh so sweet so carefully placed it almost felt like they were put there for us. They let us come close.. Maybe 20 feet never moving never caring as the river passengers floated by. So beautiful... so poignant... so healing. Fresh faced and feeling like we have accomplished something a new day dawns.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you there in the front of the kayak giggling away as the wind and water passed through. I love you my little one.......... until forever, mommy.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Prediction Dinner


Tonight we had Chinese... and of course we got our "fortune" cookie. I took the first one and said out loud .. this one is for me and about me....And in return it said "to let another into your heart first let yourself in" very fitting as that is what I try to do every single day. When faced with adversity.. infant death.. infertility.. life in general I know that I still love who I am. I know that I have done nothing wrong and it is true I need to let myself into my heart completely so that those little souls out there want to join in all the fun.

To TOP off my "fortune" cookie was the one Paul opened. He said and this is for me...and about me.. I almost fell off the chair.. "Never give up". I had to take a picture so you all would believe me. Enough Said.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you deep today in the hot breeze that warmed my cheek at your big boy place... It kicked up and curved the corner where you are as if to kiss me. I love you little man. Mommy

Thursday, July 1, 2010

On a high

I must be on a high because I feel so good. I feel ready to take on the world and also feel pretty strong as of late. That is strange to say because just a few short days ago I was feeling small and broken... What a difference new hope can bring. Today I will start a fresh IVF cycle. I am excited. I am not worried or scared or any of the other natural things that normally come to my mind on day one.... I am open and ready and feel healed and headed toward the goal. My eyes not yet on the prize.. but my heart is already in love with the child I've yet to even harvest. I feel blessed that I get to try again. I am thankful for my body and its unbelievable ability to yet again heal itself. Today I'm amazed it is July. This year has blinked by. I just smiled at my children to be and little ones who have already come and gone and genuinely felt at peace.

Joseph can you hear mommy? With a big open heart and peace on my side I saw you ride a dolphin cloud in sky all the way home. You are beautiful my son. I am so in love with you. Mom.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Marlie Storm


A very close friend of mine is in labor right now. Dr's feel it will only be another hour or two. Here I blankly sit not believing that it has been almost 9 months since I gave birth. We found out shortly after Joseph died that our friend was pregnant. My husband and I are really happy for them.. It is such a blessing but really 9 months have passed? It still feels like everything just happened. My Post traumatic stress is kicked into high gear right now. Praying for a safe delivery for our friend and hoping to welcome precious sweet Marlie into this world... All the wile my body aching and in knots with worry. I can't eat, I can't work... I can't do anything right now but HOPE. We will go to meet this little gift tonight. Tonight it will be beautiful.


********* Update Marlie Storm is here - Perfect in every way 6lbs 4oz 18.5 in long... Momma and baby are fine. I can not stop the tears of joy!!! ********



Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my sweet son. I love you... mommy

Monday, June 28, 2010

Softly


It is so lovely to see Joseph's name in the sand. Carly does amazing work in this baby lost community. What I see here softens me. It makes me feel calm and relaxed as if I am the ebb and flow of the tide that Joseph came into this world on. He is there in all of nature and somehow when I see this....it is as if this is where he belongs.. A soft wash of wave swiped away a portion of the name... making it so briefly here just as he was... so deep in the tidal of it all. Beauty in pain. Time shows gratitude and my heart emerges so unbelievably large.

Joseph can you hear mommy? my little touch.. look at you go. Love surrounds you and all is seen. you are brillant and the light. Until forever, mommy.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Better

Feeling better after that last post. Sometimes it just takes me down. I am back to feeling in my new normal self... happy for the most part and ready for whatever comes next. Thinking about all my blog friends and all the friends from grief group as well the infertility community. Each one of us has individually so much on our minds... somehow collectively.. its not so bad. I entered a drawing at a local clinic that is today... It is for Free IVF! Holy Crap I hope I win. The Dr is a new RE (fresh from how to make a baby school) She may have some new perspective and I am generally looking forward to today.

********I did not win free IVF..... but ah well it was worth a shot ***********

Joseph can you hear mommy? Lots of love my son shining on you. Until forever, mom.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

small


do you ever feel so small that it is as if you are invisible? that your voice isn't loud enough and for some reason you just can seem to be heard.. noticed.. seen... today i feel small. like a tiny broken winged bird. i am pleading with my heart but no words come out. the lump in my throat clogs the path of my voice. i don't have anything to say... so i weep. and i weep and i weep silent hot tears today. there is no reason only release. there is no pain i am just weak at the moment and am allowing for it all to soak in. i am small and tired. tired of the relentless task of not having a living child. how did i get here.. where did i go so wrong. like the ... dots on my pages waiting for the and then part.... so i take a moment to just be in myself and allow for those tears to roll and pain to hollow out my stomach until my pity party of sorrow is gone. it feels better already. this release... this place of peace. to hope without questions and to seek without answers.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you with every ounce that I am today. but i love with all that there is more in me than this pain. mommy.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Eclipse

There is an eclipse of the moon coming.. and I've been told to watch out for it. The eclipse for most means very good things.. and for some reason with each eclipse it means disaster for me. So in the coming few weeks I will let this moon eclipse with peace. I am not in turmoil and I am not waiting for questions from the universe to be answered.. it is calm here in my heart and mind... Note that this is the last eclipse for a long while so I can say this without worry. I will enjoy this darkness over the moon this time and watch as the light comes back once again. This will signify my new beginning for brighter times and hopefully a fresh IVF cycle on the cusp.

Joseph can you hear mommy? The carpet in your room is the softest in the house... Emma dog lays in there every morning. I go in to pet her and it makes me smile at how close you are to her too. Big love and hugs and smooshy kisses to you .. mommy.