Monday, November 30, 2009

Stocking for Joseph

A Christmas Stocking. One of the suggestions we received from the bereavement workers at Banner Desert was to buy a stocking for Joseph. Hang it up and ask family to write notes to the baby and put them in the stocking. Then on Christmas morning, open the letters and read them out loud. I love this idea. This is what I want to do. I'm sure family will like to do this too. We need to have these things... these little things that include our son in all of the holiday traditions. I'm going to send out this request when I send out the Christmas cards this year. All of our neighbors have put out their Christmas decorations already. We see the same ones each year. I wonder if we will put our lights up. We did decide to put up the tree we have. We also decided to buy a special ornament for Joseph. I imagine that new tradition will keep going forever. It is so strange to have Christmas on the way and no baby in the house. We've never had a baby in the house for Christmas but... we should have had this year. Joseph will be here I know but not in the same way I was thinking. It seems like we should have always had a baby in the house on Christmas. Maybe next year.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning baby. I love you. I gently close my eyes and see you smiling back at me. Thank you my son... already so big for someone so small. You are dearly loved. mommy

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Arizona cold

It is only 46 this morning. That is very cold for Arizona. I am not used to it. As I snuggle back in with long pants and shirt and curl into a ball with slippers and my blanket I feel comforted. This is the first morning I have not cried. It feels strange to say but, maybe being comforted and cozy helps. I still turned on the light in the nursery and said good morning.. I still sang to him in the rocking chair but no tears today. I think that is because Joseph is being comforted today. I am wondering if he found Paul's dad, his grampa and they are rocking in heaven with each other. Paul changed a few pictures around yesterday in our house and put on of his dad next to Joseph. Huh, now that I think about it... it makes perfect sense. It is cold outside but, we are all being comforted by peace and love today. Feels like the start of a good day to me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Kiss grampa for me and tell him that I'm taking care of his son... and that he needs to hold and care for you...for me... for us....and love. I miss you my sweet baby boy but I can feel that you are being comforted. I can feel your joy and love from here. Mom.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

La Lina Nigra

I love to look at the Lina Nigra that is still on my belly. It is the line that is still there as if to say.. yes Joseph Henry was born and you did carry him 40 weeks in your womb. He was born. You are a mother... I love that line... I am so glad that is has not yet faded away. I don't want it to ever go away. I look at myself so differently now. I am the same person but, so much has changed. Have my eyes always looked this way? No, they are too knowing now and there is a pain there that has never been before. They are a deeper color of brown. Has my mouth always looked this way? No, it has a different look to it as it curves down at the ends when I am not thinking or paying attention. Has my heart always felt this way? No, it is bigger now and it is heavy...but with love. There are so many questions and no real answers. I miss my baby boy so much.

Joseph can you hear mommy? The sun is coming up and I am singing to you, can you hear it? Here comes the sun...... Here comes the sun, little darling... Its alright, its alright.
I miss you a lot, but I love you more than I miss you.

Friday, November 27, 2009

sore throat

I woke up yesterday with a sore throat. I was hoping that it was just a little scratchy from something but... nope. Today I am for sure sick. Yuck. Time for some mega vitamins and good for the body food for sure. I'm going to curl up on the couch and watch movies all day. The only thing about being home all day is that Joseph will be heavy in my mind. Not that he isn't always there now but heavy due to the amount of time I have to think. I woke up sick. Joseph never got sick. He never had a runny nose or an ear ache. That is a blessing for him but it makes me think how much I would love to care for him if he was not feeling well. If he had a runny nose I'd wipe it and if he was not feeling well I'd rock him. I miss my son. His was the heart that I would have cared for most.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I am wrapping you in the warm blanket of my heart today. It is quiet here without you. I miss you and love you so much. Until forever.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Butterball

Joseph Henry was a butterball. He was 20 1/2 inches long but had chubby rolls on his arms and legs too. He was so cute and round with cheeks you just wanted to pinch and kiss all day long. Today is Thanksgiving. I still have a lot to be thankful for. I am most thankful for baby Joe's life. It was short but, it was full. He was here to touch my sole and it touched deep. Baby Joe would not have had even as long of a life as he did have without the nurses and Dr's at Phoenix Children's Hospital. I am Thankful for that hospital. Thankful for all of the staff that treated our son and kept him safe for those short 37 hours. Those nurses our angels right here on earth. I am thankful for my husband, Paul. He is my everything. Together we will get through this different people, but more loving if that is possible of one another. I am thankful for my "heart mom" who nurses my heart. I am thankful for my sister, Jill who was by my side ever single second I was in the hospital. Who is strong for me even when she does not feel strong. I am thankful for all of my family and my friends who were there for me in my time of need and still are every day here with dinner or checking in. Without that support, that love I think I would still be in bed. I am greatful.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Happy Thanksgiving baby... I'm gobbling you up from here. I'm sending you hugs and snuggles and lots and lots of tender kisses. I miss you baby boy and I wish you were here with us today but, I am also thankful you are in heaven with no hurts or pain.. perfect. My little butterball I love you... mom.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Little Star

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.... How I wonder what you are.. Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky. Twinkle Twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are. When the blazing sun is gone, when there is nothing he shines upon, Then you show your little light, Twinkle Twinkle through the night. Twinkle Twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are. In the dark blue sky so deep, Through my curtains you often peep. For you never close your eyes Til the morning sun does rise. Twinkle Twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are... Twinkle Twinkle little star.. how I wonder what you are.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you are the little star. You shine so bright all through the night. You shine so bright I can see you in the day... I love you more than words can ever say and more than all the stars in the sky. I miss you so much but am sending you my song... my love.. from me to you. mommy.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Shea Butter

Shea is 8 months old. She is the cutest baby and really good medicine for me. I got to watch her yesterday for more than just an hour. She was here most of the afternoon. As we played I noticed a great sense of calm around me. Just the joy of having her in the house, changing her diaper, changing her clothes and feeding her. I had fun. I was laughing and really really happy. She can stand on her own now but can't quite take a step by herself. She could if she wanted to but, she does not know that yet... It is so inspiring to watch her as she holds herself on two feet and tires really hard to take that firs step. I feel like I'm in the same boat. I'm standing on my own two feet but I don't know how to take that next step. I don't even know what the next step is or what direction it should be. For now just to be standing on solid legs is a start. Josephs death knocked me to my knees.... but, his life and my moments with him give me the strength to get back up again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I am standing. My arms are reaching out to you and I am holding you so close in my heart. My precious little man all of my love.... mom.

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Gym

The gym is my therapy. I love to go there. I love all of the people there. I love what that place does for my spirit. To me there is nothing better when you are feeling down than going to the gym to sweat it out. Yesterday I went back to my step class. This time I did not feel nervous for walking in the door. My regular steppers all still there waiting for my return. Seriously good therapy to be there. Yes we cried but mostly they were just so happy to see me and the room was lit up. I took class yesterday as I'm not released yet to teach class by my doctor. Nobody cared that I was not on stage.. they all just loved having me in the room. It is hard to describe how close you can feel to someone at the gym... I don't think anyone can understand that feeling unless they belong to mine. I don't get full release until December but, everyone will be there for my return. I can't wait for that moment when I can put my microphone back on crank up the music and GO. It just feels good.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I used to tell everyone that I bet you held onto the umbilical cord the whole hour that we did step together every Sunday. I'm thinking you did for sure. I love all of the music we used to listen to while practicing our moves for class... I miss you, my baby boy. I'm going to play all of your favorite music in class when I can return to teach. Get ready to dance in heaven. I love you until forever. mommy.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Pit

There is a hole in the pit of my stomach. I feel it every day. No matter what I do I can't get rid of it. Today my pit is so big that I almost can't drink my coffee. I don't know why it is particularly large today but, I feel empty.. hollow. It was 5 o'clock when I woke (again) and the pit was rolling. I just can't sleep past 5. In the early hours of dawn I lie awake with my pit. I swallow hard and try to ebb the tide but it always wins. I am up. My body is returning to its old self physically and I bet that has something to do with my pit. My stomach is almost back to the pre-pregnancy feel. My muscles are returning to shape. I can see the transformation in the mirror. I long to still be pregnant. I find myself Wishing and hoping that Joseph was still safely inside my womb and not gone. This pit is stubborn, but I am too. I calm my pit with deep breaths and slowly I am able to rise. Another day to face.... am I ready? I am.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I miss you. I love you until forever.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Earth mom

Even though baby Joe is in heaven, I'm still his mom. I've never been a mom before. I thought for sure there would be challenges but none could prepare me for being a parent to a child in heaven. I turn the light on in the nursery each morning and I sit in the rocking chair. To my right is the changing table, not a diaper has been changed. Instead it is now a shrine to Joseph with cards and pictures sprinkled about. The plaster casting of his feet all I have to feel of him. There is a box of his things from the hospital with the outfit we put on him. I touch the hat, the onesie and the little booties that almost didn't fit his large feet. Pride beams into me at how big he was. I look at his pictures and hold the plastic bracelet that once linked me to him as his mom while we were apart. I look at the crib all set up. It is filled with blankets from his great grandmother, grandmother and me, his mom. My eyes still dry I begin to sing to him. Oh, Joseph Jean... How much I love you... For now that is all I can do as his mom. Honor his things, sing silly songs and hope he can feel me loving him deeply.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning my sweet son. I love you so much baby and I'm kissing your sweet lips and cheeks from here. Can you feel them? There was a warm breeze yesterday that I felt when walking... I know that was you, answering me back that you love me too.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Kindergarten

25 little kindergarten students did more for me in 2 hours than they will ever know. I went to kindergarten the other day to help with some arts and crafts projects. I needed to go somewhere with a lot of laughter and spirit and boy, they have some serious energy. With thanksgiving around the corner it was time for the kindergarten class to do the proverbial hand print turkeys. I got to hold each child's hand and paint the palm and thumb brown for the turkey and each tiny little finger got an individual color for the feathers. Every time I held another child's hand my heart would sing. It was so sweet. Most of the kids thought it "tickled" and it was so cute to see them giggle and wiggle while I painted their hands. As each child made their card to mommy or daddy I wondered... Would that mom and dad cherish this child's hand print as I do my sons little feet print? Is this just another art and craft project that will eventually be tossed in the trash because they already have too many? If only that parent knew... how much I wish I could have that hand print... that turkey.. that moment when my child came home with pride to show me what they have made, maybe they wouldn't take it for granted. I know most don't.. but some will. I'm jealous of the moments those parents get to have. I know in my heart that we will try again and I am hopeful that we will be successful... but, we had our son and should be making turkey hand prints with him for our family to have on Thursday..... and it hurts that we won't. It hurts that we have to remember him instead of holding him in our arms and having him with us. It just hurts. When I feel this pain I will always dive back to my fresh memory of kindergarten class. My heart lifts again as I see those little kids faces when the turkey appeared on the page and they were so proud. My ears perk up when I hear the laughter and I know that big things are in store for each one... and me.

Joseph Henry can you hear mommy? Did you get the turkey hand print that I made for you? I put it at your big boy place and I hope you like it. I love you so much and I am thankful for you every day. I am so thankful for you and my time with you. You did so good. I am proud. All of my love, mom.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Banner Desert

What an amazing place Banner Desert hospital is. That is where I gave birth to Joseph Henry. He didn't get to stay there as they flew him to PCH along with my husband but I had to stay... and the nurses were amazing. They knew just what to do and say during my time there. I went back to the hospital yesterday. I got the same welcome that I had received the morning Joseph was born. This time, however, I was going to the maternity grief counselor instead of to a birthing room. As I passed the room I was in while I recovered from my C-Section I felt some shock to my body but, that is not where Joseph was so that passed pretty quickly. Next to my room was the nurses office who is the grief consultant. She has pictures on her wall of a lot of angels. Now, Joseph's is on the wall too.. He is so chubby in his pictures. I was there to get the luminaries that my husband and I made in early November during our first parents support group. They are so beautiful and mean so much to me. While I was collecting our luminaries another woman was there for hers. I recognised her from our support group. She and I started sharing our story of loss. We connected on a different level than most. Our stories are so different for loss but, the same when it comes to infertility. She also has infertility and like me had gotten pregnant with IVF. When it comes to pregnancy and loss with infertility it is a different beast. It makes me so mad that myself and others have to have this weighing over us. It is like a Looming hurricane that is hovering over a thunderstorm that is already pounding in my heart. My son died. Everyone knows that is the worst thing that can happen to a parent and I know that is true. Everyone other than those that suffer from infertility seem to think it is OK to tell you " try again soon" you will get pregnant right away I'm sure. ... That is not the case. I'm not ready anyway, but even if I were I will need months of preparation, fertility treatments, drugs, needles and a Dr's help to get there. It has been a year since the woman I spoke with yesterday lost her twin babies. She just went through a cycle of IVF for the first time since it happened. The IVF was not successful for her.. Her hurricane has hit land. I know her pain well. She was still going strong and I could see the fight in her eyes that she had not given up hope that it would happen for her. It made me understand this journey is longer than even I can see... but that hope keeps you going. Banner Desert will forever be a place I hold close. I could not do this without them. They are bringing me out of the dark and helping me meet people I can share with as well giving me tools to guide me to a new path. I am so hopeful that my hurricane dissipates into a tropical storm and turns out to sea instead of land. That the thunderstorm in my heart parts into a rainbow. Hope is a beautiful gift. We lit the luminaries last night and watched the light dance inside the carved area's we made. So beautiful and soft.... warm hope filled the room. Love enveloped me.
Joseph, can you hear mommy? Our hope for you was so strong. It still is. Our love for you grows bigger every day. You are our son and we are proud parents. I love you and I miss you and I thank you for being my baby, my hope. Love mom.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Tears

Tears are a funny thing... they used to be so hard for me to shed. Now they spring into action at any given time. They come in small spurts and in big blob drops. They stain my face when they stream down my chin. Sometimes they are like a blinding river and other times a tiny mist. The tears I shed are comforting and painful all at the same time. They are cleansing and fill me back up again with grief. I never know what tears are coming. I don't ask that question any more, I simply let them fall. I miss my son. We went to his memorial last night. Josephs big boy place. It should not be that he is gone. There are no answers as to why this happened to him. It makes it harder not to be able to blame anyone or anything. It just "is". I wish I could point a finger in anger but there is no one. So, I swallow hard and once the tears dry again I open my heart up for love, for hope and for Joseph Henry. I'm not afraid of crying anymore.
Baby Joe, can you hear mommy? I know you can. You are my sweet angel, my first born, my only babe... The love for you stronger than words and bigger than tears. The open for you in my heart large. Come on in and let me fill you up with my love. Come on in and let me hold you in my heart. I will always love you, mommy.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dinners

Paul and I have been so fortunate to have so many friends... I am stunned by the outpouring of support that we have received. One of my friends set up "dinner" for us... We have been getting dinner made for us every other night since Joseph passed. It has been so nice. It is such a little thing but makes the world of difference to us. I love that I have not had to go to the grocery store in a month. Last night we had white chili in bread bowls. YUM. There are a lot of people out there that are talented cooks. I don't know how to thank everyone enough. I know that they will always be in my heart.. and a part of Josephs forever.
As the dinner list slows down I find myself wondering what to do for dinner.. We have people lined up to come until 11/28 and then what? I know, we go back to our regular dinner routine.. I don't want to. Somehow having everyone reach out and come over has helped me so much. It keeps Joseph at the front of every one's mind, not just mine. I know that he has touched so many lives.. but I want him to be remembered all the time. It is just dinner to most but it is more to me.

Joseph Henry, can you hear mommy? I remember the first dinner we had when I found out that I was pregnant with you. Your daddy and I were proud of you from day one. You were a fighter your whole life. I miss you so much and I love you even more. I just wish that we were all sitting down to dinner together.

Monday, November 16, 2009

A month

Time has gone by very quickly.. and yet so slow. It is hard to explain the feeling it have. It is like running in place. My whole life has changed. My son died 1 month ago today. That sounds so strange to say. I shouldn't have to say it. I should be hitting the first month milestone with laughter instead of tears. I should be calling everyone today to tell them Joseph smiled for the first time. I sit here today wondering so deeply about him. Would he be serious like his dad or a jokester like me? Would he still look so much like us or would he change to his own looks? I look at the empty nursery and am stunned. It just is not fair.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I love you so much. I miss you and I can't stop thinking about you. Are you smiling? I am sending you a big 1 month old kiss right now. My big man already.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dreft

I keep using the dreft. For some reason the smell of the baby laundry soap brings me closer to Joseph. It is like keeping his smell on me or near me at all times. Yesterday I washed the sheets to our bed in it. I love that smell. Somehow though it feel cheated that I'm smelling the soap instead of inhaling the sweet sent of my son. I miss him so much that I can sometimes not even think.. my heart reaches for him.
Joseph Henry, do you hear your mommy? I love you just is not enough. I miss you words don't give justice to the urning in my heart for you. Daddy and I still don't understand what happened or why. We never will. We can only tell you that you are our son and that love is all we have. We are together forever.
I am humbled and raw with emotion. I will keep going.... and hoping for us. Patience.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Horoscope

Joseph Henry's horoscope today read: You put out a healing vibration. Those who are in quiet pain, psychic or otherwise, will gravitate toward you. You might not realize when someone is made well by the energy you emit.

baby Joe, can you hear mommy? I'm soaking up all of the healing vibrations you are sending today. I am holding you close as you are guiding me to be made well today. I love you and I miss you and I wish you were putting out healing vibrations here, next to me but I know you are doing the best you can from where you are.

Mommy's horoscope today : You will have a new found awareness of the necessary order of things. This will bring welcome peace to you and those around you.

My beautiful baby boy. Thank you for my peace today. You shouldn't have to be the one guiding me but I know you have a higher power now in heaven and the ability will only grow stronger.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Dogs

This morning I felt the slightest wet nosed touch on my arm around 5:15. It was Emma the lover lab who was at my bedside. I think she was there because she felt Joseph and I was not awake yet. She almost doesn't touch you when she wants you to know she is there, I call it Emma nudge. She is the sweetest dog and I love it when she cuddles with me. I was awake but did not feel the same thing she was and gratefully I fell back to sleep until 5:45. She jumped on the bed and snuggled in. This is so not like her to do. I wonder what Joseph was telling her.. Go get mommy up and then.... mommy needs your love and a hug from me right now? I think so. I got the sweetest kiss from Emma this morning and I think it was from Joseph Henry. He was asking her to kiss away my tears that simply slide down my face every morning without warning. She did. Dogs have a way of just knowing and I am so thankful for our Emma.

Joseph Henry Jean... do you hear mommy? I got your hug and kiss today. I felt your love from Emma. She did what you told her and I only wish you could be here to feel how much she loves you too. I miss you baby and I love you dearly. Keep those kisses and hugs coming. I'm sending you mine from here can you feel them?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Retail Therapy

I got to go shopping yesterday. There is something so therapeutic about going through all of the clothes in the 80% off rack at Kohl's. My body has changed and after Joseph was born the only thing I could fit into was my sweat pants and my husbands big tee shirts. Because of what happened there was no way I could put on my maternity clothes. It did not seem right or fair and those gave me way to many reminders of happier times with baby Joe in my tummy. So my heart mother took me shopping and we had a really fun time. I'm not sure how that store stays in business because we did some major damage in there and even though the clothes were being treated to me I still am very frugal with how money is spent. By the time we were done we were both exhausted! Janet even told me she was sore from trying on all the clothes.. I am not surprised because we hit up every fitting room in the place. I think that everyone should do a little retail therapy it lifts up your spirit and makes you feel like a woman again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I dreamed of you last night very briefly. You were giggling with me. I love you and miss you and am holding my heart open for you. Come on in.. giggle with me some more.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Every body's baby

Joseph will always be my little baby boy... forever. Yesterday's email I got from Kristin Shcoop touched me very deeply. I had not talked to her or seen her in 15 years. She had the courage to write to me and say that she thought about me every day... and Joseph even more. She has 3 boys of her own. She told me she felt protective of Joseph and as a mom of boys proud of him in her own way. She asked my story and told me she would like to listen if I was willing to talk. I felt compelled to tell her everything. That was good to do. When I started to write back to her I realized that Joseph is every body's baby. He is our son. He is the grandson to my dad.. my mom.. Paul's mom.. and to my mother in my heart. He is the little boy to all of the "old ladies" at the gym.... He is the baby to Kristin in her heart and in so many others... He is love.... he is hope... and he is all of ours forever. It is comforting to know that he reached out and touched the lives of so many... and we will never be the same. That is powerful.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You have touched the lives of so many people. SO many mommy's... daddy's.. aunties and more. You have stretched your love into every body's hearts.. I am proud of you. I love you and I miss you and I will love to until forever.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Baby things

We have a lot of baby things around our house. Pack -n-plays, rocking horses, swings and so much more. Paul and I used to care for a little baby, Shea in the mornings while her mom taught pump class at the gym. She would come over before 5am and stay until 6:30. Paul and I would take turns getting ready for work and playing with the baby. We loved that routine and thought of it as good practice for when our baby would arrive. She is 8 months old now and her mom gave up her morning classes a while ago. We have not taken care of her since the end of September. Needless to say we had a lot of baby stuff out in the living room for her to use. She never did get a chance to use the pack-n-play but it was out and ready for her.... and then we left it out and ready for us.

Last night we were able to put a few things away. Not far, just into baby Joe's room, but away. The pack-n-play came down and the tummy time floor mat rolled up. The rocking horse that played silly little songs, all now tucked back into the nursery. That was good to do and hard to do. No longer when you come to my house will you see those things in the living room as if expecting there to be a baby, or one coming. We needed to move forward from the day baby Joe was born just a little bit. Today I'll clean that room and set it back to the way it was before we watched Shea and before I was pregnant. It is good to do, but it does make me sad. The room looks so adult and bland. I think I'll add something there... Joe's baby pictures to fill the spot.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I'm loving you... and kissing you and keeping my heart open and full of you. Is that you in the morning that wakes me softly at 5? Are you looking for Shea too? I love you and miss you so much. You are beautiful.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Brighter moments

And may the future hold brighter moments... I held the brightest moment in my life, my son. I had him in my arms and the world was perfect. I can still feel how heavy he was. I can smell him. I can feel the soft smoothness of his skin and the striations that were on his feet. Everyone I know has been so helpful, so healing for me but, when they tell me that the future will have brighter moments I doubt that. I had mine and I never want that to change.

I saw this post on someone Else's web site the other day. It stopped me and I know the answer...

Once A Mother

A man who has lost his wife is called a widower.
A child without a parent is called an orphan.
But what of a woman who's only child has passed?
What am I to be called?

... I still want to be called " a mom" and we are still a "family".

Baby Joe can you hear mommy? I bet because I've been talking to you all morning. My arms are wrapped around you and I'm holding you so close. I'm kissing your sweet face right now and loving you. I miss you, my sweet baby boy. I love you so much.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Acquaintance's

acquaintance's don't know you but know enough about you that they know something is wrong. Like the guy at the checkout counter at the grocery store that see's you all the time but doesn't know your name. They know that you were pregnant and they see you again but don't know what is wrong. There is an old lady who comes to our house every month for her church. She goes to all the houses on our street. I usually just open the door and accept what she is offering... smile and tell her to have a good day. She came yesterday to see how me and to see the how the baby was doing. She remembered I was pregnant last time she came by... I had to tell her that Joseph died. It is hard to tell someone who you don't really know but they are in your life because you see them. I found out her name is Doris and she was so kind. We cried together and I don't even know her. I got caught off guard. There are a lot of acquaintance's in your life. I think now to ask what thier name is. People are so kind.

Oh Joseph Jean.. how much I love you. There is that song again. I love to sing to you baby Joe. I hope you can hear mommy's love in her song. I hope you are happy today and that you are feeling the love me and your daddy have for you. We put your pictures up and we talk about you all the time. You are so loved.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Growing Stronger

I wake up at 5 am every day.... I used to just get up right away.. early I know but I've always been a morning person. I'm not ready to get up at 5 now but I still open my eyes and wonder for the day. I try to go back to sleep or at least not let the dogs know I am awake (somehow they always know) I think they can feel my eyelids open. This morning I just took some deep breaths and slowly let my racing heart fade back toward rest. I managed to make it to 6 before I actually got out of bed. It felt better to be there in the still and dark listening to 2 dogs snore and to see my husbands chest rise and fall.

I'm working on my connection to baby Joe. I feel him the most in the morning. Instead of being overwhelmed I"m trying to let him in and open my mind and heart to his love. I know he is in heaven but still all around me. I know that I can't hold him but I can have him held in my heart if not my arms. I miss my son. I simply and quietly wish he was here physically... but I will work on having him here with me in hope and love.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I know you can as I felt you smile on me today and warm my heart to help me start the day. I love you so much.. I love you so much that I can't do anything else but love you. I hope you have a good day today and are playing with other angels in heaven. I will never see you smile... I will never hear you giggle and laugh but I know you are.. I know you are.. I love you my beautiful son.

Friday, November 6, 2009

NILMDTS pictures

We got our pictured today from NILMDTS. I have to figure out how to burn them to a CD so I can post them. I will forever be grateful to Jacqueline Hanna. She was our volunteer. The pictures are such a gift. She captured that "moment" the one that you keep remembering over and over in your mind and loving... I can't wait to get a printed copy of that picture to frame and have and hold onto.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? Your pictures came to us today and they are so beautiful. I love you so much and I miss you. I am happy that we have these pictures of our time together and I hope you can feel how much love I have for you..

Thursday, November 5, 2009

13 Ribs

Baby Joe had 13 ribs. You are supposed to have 12. I think that is the neatest thing. He grew extra. His nails were so long that they needed a trim right away and his big toe on the right foot had a callus on it where he used to rub my rib raw from the inside. He loved to play hide and seek with his daddy. Paul would go to feel my belly when he was being really active and as soon as Paul would put his hand on my belly..... the kicking would stop. That used to make us laugh a lot.

I'm trying something new today.. going to go for a walk as soon as the sky is light enough for the street lights to turn off. I want to get out of the house before the morning overwhelms me. Sometimes I still think this is a bad dream and I'm going to snap out of it at any moment. I know that I've got to face the day so maybe walking early will help. I wish I was well enough to run. I'd like to run until my legs fall out and feel the wind on my face from going so fast. Soon enough I know... soon enough.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I miss you so much and I love you even more than you will ever know. I hope you are warm and can remember how I held you in my arms. I'm hugging you right now from here. I'm kissing your cheeks and I'm holding your head against my chest. You are loved.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Good Grief

This just sucks. I am sad. My sister just called. She was supposed to come out and help with the baby next week. Now there is no baby and I don't know what to do. She wants to be here with me to help and to hold but I just don't know if I want her to come. I am not alone but am alone. It might be good to have her here. At the same time I don't know if I want anyone staying with me at my house. I feel selfish that I want to have my time.. my mornings to grieve to cry to just be alone in the silence. She only wants to help and to have the same oportunity as the rest of the family got. to help and to be here for me. I understand that. I have to call her later. We should be planning on what we are going to do while she is here with Joseph and instead I question weather or not that I want her to come at all. Uggg.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I miss you so much and I love you even more. I want you back. I know I can't have you here but I want you to be. It is not fair. I am sad. your mommy misses you so much and she is hugging you so hard from here. I am kissing your eyes and lips and nose. I hope you can hear me. I hope.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Luminaries

Last night Paul and I went to a Parents support group. It was the first time we were in a group setting where everyone there already knows how we feel. There was a couple there that lost thier daughter Grace the same day Joseph was born and at the same hospital. They already knew that their daughter was not going to live as she had passed in the womb and was born still. They were so kind. I felt connected to them as we heard the story of what happened. This is a terrible club. But a good one for your heart. I miss my Son. My heart hearts every time I try to wrap my head around this terrible thing.... and yet I know I can't and that I just have to be with the feeling... the moment and the time.

We walked into the group feeling sick to our stomaches.. Or at least mine was and we saw they had set up some type of art project for us. Slowly the room filled and we began to understand what we were doing there. Making Luminaries for our babies. We each got a piece of clay and began to roll it out to take any shape we wanted. Everyone is so creative and expressive and it was a good way to carve out a little piece of your heart into clay. Our hands got dirty and the molds took shape quickly. Mine has a little foot on it and a big JOE on the side with a heart. Paul made a big sunshine with lots of rays of light coming in. He surprised me on how creative he is. I think it helped that we had something to do and that we could share if we wanted our story or not. I did say what I could.

What a good way to start this journey into the unknown. Next month we go back to pick up our luminaries and to light a candle for our baby in the garden at the hospital. I can't wait to have mine and to see how it looks once it was fired and dried. I can't wait to have something to hold and to light and to see. I love my son. Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much and I will light that candle for you so you can see me... and daddy. We will be there together honoring you and loving you. I don't know why I look up when I talk to you. I can feel you all around me.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Back to work

Today my husband had to go back to work. He has been home with me for over two weeks. I miss him already. This is a strange place I'm living in... One where I used to love to be alone to one where I'm afraid to be alone. It is so strange to be in this house by myself on maternaty leave. There should be a baby crying in the background but there is none.

It is so strange to have a silent house. There is no one here but me and the dogs. Even the dogs are not barking. Random thoughts break my consentration all the time.. I just have no idea what to do with myself. I know I need to heal and I can't do much yet I want to do everything so that I don't have to listen to the silence.

I'm going to call Dr. Z today... to tell him. to ask him when we can try again. I'm sure he will tell me wait at least 6 months. I feel like I'm ready again now but know that I've got so much more to do - Another year of waiting.. another 40 weeks of hoping. This time I'm already scared.

Baby Joe can you hear mommy? I miss you and I need you and I wish you were here with me. I want to tell you how much you are loved. How much you are needed.. I love you

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Sundays

Sundays I always look forward to. Getting up reading the paper and having coffee. Our house is so quiet. It should be filled with crys from the baby and a lot of changing diapers. I've only gotten to change one diaper. Josephs... I miss my son and I am empty.

My husband and I did not get pregnant on our own. We had to turn to fertility treatment and that makes this even more hard. Our struggle to get pregnant lasted 2 years and then to our joy... a boy. We waited and we wondered and we got the nursery ready. At last the week was here when we would meet him.

How could this really have happened? It is just not possible that he is gone. We are alone in this house again and still wanting and still hoping and still trying to understand why us? How come everyone else can just get pregnant and then have a baby?

Crying does not bring him back.... sitting in the nursery only makes me miss him so much more. Where is my baby? Why him? Why us? Joseph can you hear mommy? Love you I wish I could have done more to save you.. if only I knew you were in trouble. I ache for you... my womb is empty my heart is weak. Where are you baby?

I need you

Sundays.. used to be so quiet and slow and nice... Now I hate them and wish that it was too busy and I were with my son. I don't want to read the paper and have coffee and relax. I want to jump up to change another diaper.