Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween

Today is Halloween. Joseph should be dressing up as a pea in the pod or something cute and little on what should be his 2 week old day. Instead I am here alone with the candy ready and hoping that the kids who will come will brighten my day a little. It is cold out and I am sad. I can't live on wishes but I wish this was not a reality. I miss my son.

Baby Joe - can you hear mommy? I'm here. I miss you and I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you and I wish this was not real. My perfect son. I love you... I love you so much.

Time has stopped. Breath is hard to come by and my tears stream down my face for what? I don't know he won't bring him back to me. My baby. My baby I miss my baby and it is not fair that he is gone. I am so sad. my heart is empty.

Friday, October 30, 2009

I miss you

I wake up looking for you and feeling you in my arms. I panik because you are not here and then I cry because I miss you so much. I pick myself up and go to your room to turn on the light so that you know I am there. I miss you so much that my heart has been hung out to dry. My tears flow and my eyes sting in pain.

Mornings are the hardest for me. I am the only one up and the house is very quiet. I feel you there where you should be next to me.. in my arms.. but when I go to hold you there is only air. My arms ache and my stomach turns.

Then when I'm done feeling sad for myself I think of you and where you are and how you are doing. I know you are not alone and I know that you are in a better place with no hurts and no worries and no pain.

I will never understand what happened or why and I can only be here missing you now and still and forever and always in love with my baby boy who came into my life fighting... Joseph you are so powerful and strong. I love you - your mom.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Oh Joseph Jean.... How much I love you. That is a little song I sing every day to my son. Baby Joe was born on 10/15/09 at 1:30 am via emergency C-Section. My placenta had abrupted and our son did not get enough oxegen. He died 10/16/09 at 2:30pm after a long fight for survival. I am sad. I miss my son.

I got to hold you in my arms. I got to kiss those sweet lips and feel your breath on mine for a while. Your daddy was there too, for your whole life. He stayed by your side and rubbed your feet and hands and tickled that spot behind your knee that made you mad. We miss you

For all of the questions Why I have I know none can bring you back. So I push those aside to tell you instead that I love you. I love you my sweet baby boy I love you...

Oh Joseph Jean... How much I love you

mommy