Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A new kind of love

For the past 3 years my husband and I had been working on a common dream together... to start a family. Joseph was are son, our dream...reached... our happy. We were so excited when we found out I was pregnant. We celebrated each week when we would receive our little email telling us what to expect this week and what the baby was doing inside. We took pictures of my belly every Friday. We were elated when we saw him on the ultrasounds and got to guess when we though he would come into the world. When he was born our dreams came truer and we were so happy and in love. When he died our dreams died a little bit and we are trying to understand that... We have always said that we have been lucky. Lucky in love, lucky in life.... and when Joseph died, well.. we aren't so lucky anymore. We are trying to figure out who we are today, what we want, what we like and what we are doing. We need to get to know each other again... now that so much has changed. Our love is stronger... but there is a difference. We are more protective.. more gentle with one another. We need to find our fun. Before we started down our infertility path we used to have so much fun together... then things were pretty serious for a few years as we buckled down and really focused our attention to creation. month after month.. was I or wasn't I.. then shots, pills, patches and Dr's apt. That is what we did "together" for a long time. It was fun because we were so excited about a baby... about Joseph. We miss our little boy so much that we miss each other even when we are in the same room. I love my family and need to figure out a way not only to be a mom of a baby in heaven, but a wife to a man who's lost his first born son. I don't know what that looks like yet, but we will figure it out. Time to get out of town together and see what we've been missing in each other for a while... who we are now and what each other's hopes and dreams are now. A new kind of love... and I am looking forward to it.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hi, baby.... I love you dearly and you make me smile. I am so proud of you. You are my dream come true and a beautiful one at that. You are so powerful for one so young... Thank you for sending Emma in this morning.. she snuggled in at 3 am between me and your dad and we felt your love. Sending you kisses and joy... mommy.

1 comment:

Huntress said...

So much wisdom, dearest BJ. You and Paul are blessed with the capacity AND the awareness that your relationship will constantly evolve. There are fabulous times, and terrible times and when couples are blessed with both capacity and awareness, then the relationship will grow and expand to be the even bigger container for each. Your reality that you built for 3 years vanished in a shocking 37 hour period. You both are new now as you make your ways through the heat and flame of the kind of transformational time such as this that blindside us. You are so wise, Brandy, is knowing this...knowing that you and Paul are on a path of discovery of yourselves and each other.

I love you so Brandy...and am so proud of you altho somehow, "proud" is not the right word at all. But it is something about just honoring your power and right instincts that have been true to you and will always be true to you.