Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Moment

There have been so many moments of time lately where I have to stop and take it all in. I am trying very hard not to forget a single thing that happened. I don't think I will forget but just in case that is why I'm writing it all down. There was one moment when I did not think I was going to make it to the hospital to see my son in time. I knew he was dying and I could feel it happening without me. Because I was at a different hospital I had to wait to get released to go and see Joseph. My sister waiting with the car to take me... We got to the car and I got a text message from Paul. Where are you he asked? I'm leaving the hospital I am on my way I said. OK I love you. I knew things had taken a turn and I could feel the anguish in his call. As we drove toward the 51 exit ramp... another text. Are you almost here? Yes, I said and you tell them to wait. YOU TELL THEM TO WAIT. I love you please hurry is the reply. Oh my god this is really happening. Joseph is dying and I am not there to hold him. My sister dropped me off at the door. I am running down the hall. I am there. I made it. There he is.. He is holding on for me. As I arrive all of the alarms are ringing in the isolate. He is having a very hard time. The nurses change him to a respirator so that I can hold him. I am going to hold my baby for the first and the last time. I made it. He held on for me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thank you for waiting for me. For giving me that precious time with you in my arms. I am grateful for you and for every second you were here. I love you so much.. mom.

2 comments:

Huntress said...

Brandy, I am so grateful that little by little you are telling the story...the whole story of you, Paul's and Joseph's story. It's too big a story to tell it all at once I know. But as each chapter emerges, I am so grateful to be able to share every moment you spent with your son. It's so important for me...it makes Joseph more and more a part of me, too.

I've been sitting with what I would send to Joseph for Christmas...and then, as it always happens, the message I want to write to him came through yesterday. Today I will write the letter to include in his card and will send it....

I love you Brandy Jane...my dearest daughter of my heart...

* said...

Hi Brandy,

I know what you mean about not wanting to forget. Thanks for sharing this with us.