Sunday, December 13, 2009

Every beat

From the time we found out we were pregnant with Joseph, he was part of the family. We got so excited when we got to see the heart beating for the first time and even more excited each visit with the Dr. when we could hear the heart beating again and again. In my heart I knew Joseph was a boy. From day one I called him Gus. (we did not find out the sex of the baby) My nickname for him was Gus. I could picture him being a little tough guy in school asking all the other kids for their milk money. Not that I wanted a bully I could just picture his features. Tough and cute. A Gus for sure. I never got to have the moment that I had been dreaming of, when the baby was born. I pictured Paul in the room with me and a labor where when he arrived the Dr. would call out.. "Its a BOY" and I would cry and Paul would cry tears of joy, a BOY. I know now that even though I did not get to have that moment I got something different. It is not better but it is something so present. I got to have Joseph placed with every beat, in my heart. Now he is just as much a part of the family as I had hoped only silently. I don't hear him laugh or cry. I don't see him physically. I feel him with every Lub nub as my heart beats on.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you little Gus. My heart is full and warm beating for you. Our baby boy forever in my heart. I love you more than there are hearts beating each day. I love you until Forever, Mom.

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