10 hours after my emergency c-section I was able to see my son. I was given a pass from my hospital, the one where Joseph was born, to go to Phoenix Children's, the one where he was given great care. I had to be in a wheelchair and that was difficult. I remember it being too big to fit in the bed one area where Joseph stayed. The isolate was too tall for me to reach him so kindly the nurses lowered the bed for me so I could be with my son. Ah, the memory of seeing him for the first time imprinted in my heart. I never saw the tubes, wires, needles and blood. I only saw him. My son. My heart. I remember my husbands face when I looked up at him while holding Josephs hand, happy. I cherish those memories, those few moments when I didn't know what was really wrong with our son or that he would soon die. I thought in those moments that he would be OK and we would be OK and that no matter what happened it would all work out. Joseph Henry Jean, so beautiful. Those early moments so full of hope and life. I can still smell his breath and taste the gentle softness of his skin on my lips. When I close my eyes I can feel the pressure of his tiny hand grasping my finger. He knew it was me. I love all of the time I was with my son, but those few moments... I cherish the most.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet little one. You are precious. I am sending all my kisses to heaven for you. Your mothers love is deep and strong.