Sunday, November 1, 2009


Sundays I always look forward to. Getting up reading the paper and having coffee. Our house is so quiet. It should be filled with crys from the baby and a lot of changing diapers. I've only gotten to change one diaper. Josephs... I miss my son and I am empty.

My husband and I did not get pregnant on our own. We had to turn to fertility treatment and that makes this even more hard. Our struggle to get pregnant lasted 2 years and then to our joy... a boy. We waited and we wondered and we got the nursery ready. At last the week was here when we would meet him.

How could this really have happened? It is just not possible that he is gone. We are alone in this house again and still wanting and still hoping and still trying to understand why us? How come everyone else can just get pregnant and then have a baby?

Crying does not bring him back.... sitting in the nursery only makes me miss him so much more. Where is my baby? Why him? Why us? Joseph can you hear mommy? Love you I wish I could have done more to save you.. if only I knew you were in trouble. I ache for you... my womb is empty my heart is weak. Where are you baby?

I need you

Sundays.. used to be so quiet and slow and nice... Now I hate them and wish that it was too busy and I were with my son. I don't want to read the paper and have coffee and relax. I want to jump up to change another diaper.

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