Sunday, November 22, 2009

Pit

There is a hole in the pit of my stomach. I feel it every day. No matter what I do I can't get rid of it. Today my pit is so big that I almost can't drink my coffee. I don't know why it is particularly large today but, I feel empty.. hollow. It was 5 o'clock when I woke (again) and the pit was rolling. I just can't sleep past 5. In the early hours of dawn I lie awake with my pit. I swallow hard and try to ebb the tide but it always wins. I am up. My body is returning to its old self physically and I bet that has something to do with my pit. My stomach is almost back to the pre-pregnancy feel. My muscles are returning to shape. I can see the transformation in the mirror. I long to still be pregnant. I find myself Wishing and hoping that Joseph was still safely inside my womb and not gone. This pit is stubborn, but I am too. I calm my pit with deep breaths and slowly I am able to rise. Another day to face.... am I ready? I am.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I miss you. I love you until forever.

3 comments:

Huntress said...

Oh Sweetie. I so wish I could soothe your heart, mind and body. But grief doesn't let us go until it...we're finished with it. Yesterday David and I ran errands together and then went to lunch. Setting near us was a Mom and Grandma...and 2 kids, one, a little girl probably 18 mos or so with the most beautiful mop of golden/flaxen curly hair. She was a pistol. Grandma was holding the baby...maybe months old or so. I wasn't sure what sex but what a cutie and at one point, the baby looked my way and I flirted with him in that kind of precious instant. I turned to David to say something about it and found myself in tears. They snuck up on me and I wasn't going to let myself dissolve right there in the midst of busy Flying Star restaurant...but that break in my heart began to leak the tears again...and so it is.

I'm with you always, Brandy...in heart and soul...
I love you...
Janet

Kimberly Shedd said...

Hi Brandy, My heart feels so deeply for you. Bobby and I were just laying in bed together and he said, call Brandy and Paul and invite them to come over and watch football today. So I hopped on here and here I am inviting you guys over :) Give me a call 480-861-3185

Once A Mother said...

Reading this brought me back, to those very early days after losing Peyton. I am so sorry, and pray the pit gives you some reprieve soon.