Last night Paul and I went to a Parents support group. It was the first time we were in a group setting where everyone there already knows how we feel. There was a couple there that lost thier daughter Grace the same day Joseph was born and at the same hospital. They already knew that their daughter was not going to live as she had passed in the womb and was born still. They were so kind. I felt connected to them as we heard the story of what happened. This is a terrible club. But a good one for your heart. I miss my Son. My heart hearts every time I try to wrap my head around this terrible thing.... and yet I know I can't and that I just have to be with the feeling... the moment and the time.
We walked into the group feeling sick to our stomaches.. Or at least mine was and we saw they had set up some type of art project for us. Slowly the room filled and we began to understand what we were doing there. Making Luminaries for our babies. We each got a piece of clay and began to roll it out to take any shape we wanted. Everyone is so creative and expressive and it was a good way to carve out a little piece of your heart into clay. Our hands got dirty and the molds took shape quickly. Mine has a little foot on it and a big JOE on the side with a heart. Paul made a big sunshine with lots of rays of light coming in. He surprised me on how creative he is. I think it helped that we had something to do and that we could share if we wanted our story or not. I did say what I could.
What a good way to start this journey into the unknown. Next month we go back to pick up our luminaries and to light a candle for our baby in the garden at the hospital. I can't wait to have mine and to see how it looks once it was fired and dried. I can't wait to have something to hold and to light and to see. I love my son. Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much and I will light that candle for you so you can see me... and daddy. We will be there together honoring you and loving you. I don't know why I look up when I talk to you. I can feel you all around me.