Saturday, November 28, 2009

La Lina Nigra

I love to look at the Lina Nigra that is still on my belly. It is the line that is still there as if to say.. yes Joseph Henry was born and you did carry him 40 weeks in your womb. He was born. You are a mother... I love that line... I am so glad that is has not yet faded away. I don't want it to ever go away. I look at myself so differently now. I am the same person but, so much has changed. Have my eyes always looked this way? No, they are too knowing now and there is a pain there that has never been before. They are a deeper color of brown. Has my mouth always looked this way? No, it has a different look to it as it curves down at the ends when I am not thinking or paying attention. Has my heart always felt this way? No, it is bigger now and it is heavy...but with love. There are so many questions and no real answers. I miss my baby boy so much.

Joseph can you hear mommy? The sun is coming up and I am singing to you, can you hear it? Here comes the sun...... Here comes the sun, little darling... Its alright, its alright.
I miss you a lot, but I love you more than I miss you.

1 comment:

Huntress said...

Oh Dear One, you have made such a wonderful and terrible journey. The initiation that a woman makes to becoming a mother isn't called labor for nothing. There is another initiation that a mother makes to relinquish her child-becoming-adult to the world. You, precious daughter of my heart, were called to make a more terrible and fierce initiatory journey experience of birth and loss all in a few hours. You will never be the same, and the and fire and heat of this as carved places in you that has made diamonds out of your capacity to love and endure. You have become a mother of the deeps and whenever Joseph's brother or sister comes into this world, you and Paul will be parents in a more extraordinary way. We can't know what it looks like, Brandy, but I do know that the woman you are becoming is who you are meant to be. Many would be crushed by the loss of their baby. You are becoming The Jewel of Compassion...of awareness...and enduring love.

So blessed to have you in my life...