Saturday, November 7, 2009

Growing Stronger

I wake up at 5 am every day.... I used to just get up right away.. early I know but I've always been a morning person. I'm not ready to get up at 5 now but I still open my eyes and wonder for the day. I try to go back to sleep or at least not let the dogs know I am awake (somehow they always know) I think they can feel my eyelids open. This morning I just took some deep breaths and slowly let my racing heart fade back toward rest. I managed to make it to 6 before I actually got out of bed. It felt better to be there in the still and dark listening to 2 dogs snore and to see my husbands chest rise and fall.

I'm working on my connection to baby Joe. I feel him the most in the morning. Instead of being overwhelmed I"m trying to let him in and open my mind and heart to his love. I know he is in heaven but still all around me. I know that I can't hold him but I can have him held in my heart if not my arms. I miss my son. I simply and quietly wish he was here physically... but I will work on having him here with me in hope and love.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I know you can as I felt you smile on me today and warm my heart to help me start the day. I love you so much.. I love you so much that I can't do anything else but love you. I hope you have a good day today and are playing with other angels in heaven. I will never see you smile... I will never hear you giggle and laugh but I know you are.. I know you are.. I love you my beautiful son.


stacy said...

There's an awesome song by Israel Houghton called "Moving Forward". Its so uplifting and encouraging. I thought about the words as I read your blog.

Growing stronger doesn't mean forgetting. It means being able to deal with the pain. I'm so proud of you for growing stronger and I don't even know you. :)

The Lord makes all things new.

In Christ's love,
Stacy Kuhl

PB&J said...

Thank you - Growing stronger does not mean forgetting.. I like that thank you..