This just sucks. I am sad. My sister just called. She was supposed to come out and help with the baby next week. Now there is no baby and I don't know what to do. She wants to be here with me to help and to hold but I just don't know if I want her to come. I am not alone but am alone. It might be good to have her here. At the same time I don't know if I want anyone staying with me at my house. I feel selfish that I want to have my time.. my mornings to grieve to cry to just be alone in the silence. She only wants to help and to have the same oportunity as the rest of the family got. to help and to be here for me. I understand that. I have to call her later. We should be planning on what we are going to do while she is here with Joseph and instead I question weather or not that I want her to come at all. Uggg.
Joseph, can you hear mommy? I miss you so much and I love you even more. I want you back. I know I can't have you here but I want you to be. It is not fair. I am sad. your mommy misses you so much and she is hugging you so hard from here. I am kissing your eyes and lips and nose. I hope you can hear me. I hope.