Saturday, November 21, 2009

Earth mom

Even though baby Joe is in heaven, I'm still his mom. I've never been a mom before. I thought for sure there would be challenges but none could prepare me for being a parent to a child in heaven. I turn the light on in the nursery each morning and I sit in the rocking chair. To my right is the changing table, not a diaper has been changed. Instead it is now a shrine to Joseph with cards and pictures sprinkled about. The plaster casting of his feet all I have to feel of him. There is a box of his things from the hospital with the outfit we put on him. I touch the hat, the onesie and the little booties that almost didn't fit his large feet. Pride beams into me at how big he was. I look at his pictures and hold the plastic bracelet that once linked me to him as his mom while we were apart. I look at the crib all set up. It is filled with blankets from his great grandmother, grandmother and me, his mom. My eyes still dry I begin to sing to him. Oh, Joseph Jean... How much I love you... For now that is all I can do as his mom. Honor his things, sing silly songs and hope he can feel me loving him deeply.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning my sweet son. I love you so much baby and I'm kissing your sweet lips and cheeks from here. Can you feel them? There was a warm breeze yesterday that I felt when walking... I know that was you, answering me back that you love me too.

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