Thursday, November 19, 2009

Banner Desert

What an amazing place Banner Desert hospital is. That is where I gave birth to Joseph Henry. He didn't get to stay there as they flew him to PCH along with my husband but I had to stay... and the nurses were amazing. They knew just what to do and say during my time there. I went back to the hospital yesterday. I got the same welcome that I had received the morning Joseph was born. This time, however, I was going to the maternity grief counselor instead of to a birthing room. As I passed the room I was in while I recovered from my C-Section I felt some shock to my body but, that is not where Joseph was so that passed pretty quickly. Next to my room was the nurses office who is the grief consultant. She has pictures on her wall of a lot of angels. Now, Joseph's is on the wall too.. He is so chubby in his pictures. I was there to get the luminaries that my husband and I made in early November during our first parents support group. They are so beautiful and mean so much to me. While I was collecting our luminaries another woman was there for hers. I recognised her from our support group. She and I started sharing our story of loss. We connected on a different level than most. Our stories are so different for loss but, the same when it comes to infertility. She also has infertility and like me had gotten pregnant with IVF. When it comes to pregnancy and loss with infertility it is a different beast. It makes me so mad that myself and others have to have this weighing over us. It is like a Looming hurricane that is hovering over a thunderstorm that is already pounding in my heart. My son died. Everyone knows that is the worst thing that can happen to a parent and I know that is true. Everyone other than those that suffer from infertility seem to think it is OK to tell you " try again soon" you will get pregnant right away I'm sure. ... That is not the case. I'm not ready anyway, but even if I were I will need months of preparation, fertility treatments, drugs, needles and a Dr's help to get there. It has been a year since the woman I spoke with yesterday lost her twin babies. She just went through a cycle of IVF for the first time since it happened. The IVF was not successful for her.. Her hurricane has hit land. I know her pain well. She was still going strong and I could see the fight in her eyes that she had not given up hope that it would happen for her. It made me understand this journey is longer than even I can see... but that hope keeps you going. Banner Desert will forever be a place I hold close. I could not do this without them. They are bringing me out of the dark and helping me meet people I can share with as well giving me tools to guide me to a new path. I am so hopeful that my hurricane dissipates into a tropical storm and turns out to sea instead of land. That the thunderstorm in my heart parts into a rainbow. Hope is a beautiful gift. We lit the luminaries last night and watched the light dance inside the carved area's we made. So beautiful and soft.... warm hope filled the room. Love enveloped me.
Joseph, can you hear mommy? Our hope for you was so strong. It still is. Our love for you grows bigger every day. You are our son and we are proud parents. I love you and I miss you and I thank you for being my baby, my hope. Love mom.

1 comment:

Huntress said...

Your circle of friends who have so been there for you and Paul is beyond describing in their love and support, Brandy. But, as you were feeling last night, the more lonely road is opening up now as time passes. And thanks to the gods for Banner Desert and the groups and the couples you are meeting who are making that same lonelier journey who will become more and more important in the coming months. It's a delicate dance, Brandy with one foot in each world...one in the life and joy that is how you and Paul were living and will live again, and the other in life and grief and healing the broken heart and all the wisdom it confers that must now be lived and honored. Too much, too big to do alone, Dear One, and I am SO grateful that you and Paul understand that...and are beginning to understand more and more as time passes. If it feels right, Brandy, would you take a picture of your luminarias and post them? I would love to see them...

I love you Brandy Jane...